Freedom from the Approval of Others

Recently I had been feeling some anxiety and I couldn't pinpoint where it was originating.  When this happens it becomes sort of a heavy feeling in my chest and a relentless weight on my mind.  Whenever I experience this sensation I know that something is off center in my life. So with great persistence I process and analyze until I discover where the anxiety is coming from.  I’m careful to allow every feeling, even ones that are distressing, to flow through me so that I can become more aware their origins. And then it dawned on me. The anxiety was coming from a desire to be liked and to have the approval of others.  This is something I've battled my entire life and for the majority of my life it's a battle that I lost more than I won.  This is what drove me to alcohol abuse and constant cocaine use when I was younger.  This is what had led me to a pattern of destructive relationships.  This is what had me hating myself in the past.  However, many years ago I became aware of my destructive behavior and did something about it.  What's more, these last two years I’ve also become aware of the things I need to do so that I am on guard against this and I had found a distinctly profound sense of freedom from it.  And for the most part I had been doing really well.  However, the desire for approval is a crafty one.  We all want to be liked and we all want to be approved of by others.  Those who say they don't struggle with this are either lying to themselves or aren't aware of it.

But there it was, rearing its ugly head again.  I began to think through the different people that I wanted approval from and the list seemed pretty long.  Not as long as it had been in the past, but long nonetheless.  The incredible news is that just knowing where the anxiety came from was 80% of the battle.

I knew I had to get centered and connected to my true source and to myself.  I reminded myself that I am enough, just the way that I am and that this world is better off with me being my authentic and true self.  That guy that I am who tries to win the approval of others doesn't really bring life to anybody, especially himself.  But when I am my true self, life abounds. When I am connected to the divine and loving myself from that place, something incredible happens, Divine energy if you well, that flows through my life.

As I connect to the true source and to myself, the anxiety dissipates almost immediately. All the energy that I was spending worrying about how I'm perceived and if people will like me is no longer wasted on that useless endeavor.

We never add value to ourselves, the world, or those we love by trying to win the approval of others. It's only in affirming our authentic selves that we have the energy to care the way the world needs us to care.

The feeling of freedom that comes with casting off this anxiety and weight of desire for approval is almost blissful. I can be me, and that's enough. I'm grateful.

What about you? Who do you want to like you? Whose approval or you after? Go ahead and write out their names. Then once you're done ripped the paper up or burn it or whatever it is you do.

How do you connect with the source or with yourself? What is it that you do that that grounds and centers you and your true self? Do it. Do it today. Do it now. And then enjoy the freedom.

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"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval"  - Mark Twain

"People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most." - Wayne Dyer

"When anyone starts out to do something creative - especially if it seems a little unusual - they seek approval, often from those least inclined to give it. But a creative life cannot be sustained by approval, any more than it can be destroyed by criticism - you learn this as you go on." - Will Self

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Turning to People you Trust

I’m about to tell you something that you already know and may already practice.  It is going to be the simplest advice I’ve ever given.  But I’m going to share it anyways.  You can never over estimate the power of reaching out to a friend.  Reach out now to someone you trust.  No matter where you are in life today or what you are up against, reaching out to a friend will add incredible value to your life. Not just anyone mind you.  Someone you trust.  Someone that you’re pretty certain will embrace you regardless of the situation you’re in.  Reach out to that friend that you know isn’t full of trite quotes and pithy clichés.  The one that usually makes your day feel lighter after you’ve talked to them.

You might say, Brad, I don’t really reach out to friends.  I don’t really need them that much and I don’t feel comfortable sharing or being vulnerable.  If that’s the case then it really must suck to be you.  How’s that working for you by the way?

You might say, Brad, I don’t connect with people as easily as you do.  Well, that might be true.  But that doesn’t mean that you won’t benefit greatly in the next 5 minutes by reaching out to a friend on the phone, sharing a bit of your heart, and feeling a bit more connected to humanity.  I’ve said it before.  If you can feel a bit more connected to humanity, you can feel a bit more connected to the Divine.  Or whatever it is that you particularly put your trust in for resource and Love

It’s not a secret that when we are accepted and loved by others we tend to feel more gracious with ourselves, with others, and more alive in general.  There is this beautiful thing that happens when we are our authentic selves and we connect with a loved one.  I only have crude letters and words, placed together to form sentences in an attempt to describe this beauty.  But it’s that  overwhelming sense that there is more to life than just our narrow perspective and view.  It’s the recognition of how valuable and precious it is to not be alone and to have the ability to share this journey with others.

You Know What to Do

What do you think I should do?  What would you do?  Please tell me what to do.  How many times have asked these things to someone we trust?  How often have we gone to a friend or to a family member, told them our story and then asked them for direction?  The answer is probably countless.  And there is nothing wrong with doing this.  Getting advice is always a wise decision along the path to discernment.  The funny thing is, we often times seek advice and ask people to tell us what to do with our lives, all the while deep down we already know the answer. I believe one of the reasons why we surrender our decision making process to other people is because we usually know that the path our intuition points us towards is almost always a difficult one.  It’s either difficult because we know there is something that we will have to sacrifice or there is a price to be paid.

But I don’t want to get lost in the sacrifice or price today.  The point today is that most of the time our heart knows what to do in difficult situations.  Let me break this down a bit.

MOST - Now I say most, because there are occasional times and conditions where we truly are in the dark with no idea where to turn.  During these rare instances where we are completely in the dark and don’t what to do, it is extremely beneficial to turn to others for their guidance and direction.  But I’ve discovered that we usually ask for input not because we are at a loss, but because we want to be reassured of the action that we already know needs to be taken.  We just don’t trust ourselves.

HEART – When I use the term ‘heart’, I’m speaking of that centered place within us that is the core of who we are.  It’s that place that is moved by the melodic beauty of a wonderful craftsmanship of lyrics and vibrations.  It’s that place in us that we can’t hold or see and scientists can’t point to and say… “there!  That is the conscience self”.  But when overwhelmed with stimuli and decisions, the heart shouting and pointing the direction.  Often we are so busy hiding from our true selves that we barely hear it as a whisper on the luckiest of days.

I think 99% of the time we know the best way forward.  I just think we’ve become so disconnected from ourselves that we either can’t hear it or we don’t trust what we hear.  So we ask 3-10 people what they think we should do.

The remarkable thing to me is that we DO have an inclination as to how we should move forward.  We can trust ourselves.  What other person would know better for you?  But when we move forward, following our own advice, we are then ultimately responsible for the outcome.  If we fail while taking the advice of someone else, we can, with a sideways glance, put some of the blame on them.  But life is not a blame game.  No one lived a full life by making decisions with the caveat that they needed an out.

Listen to your heart.  Then, take bold steps forward.  You might fail.  You might succeed.  But either way, you will have made a decision by being in tune with who you are and affirming that connection with yourself.  Trust me, you’re worth it.