Confessions of a Control Freak!

I’m a control freak. I like to control everything I possibly can. I try to control situations at work. I like to control my environment at home so that I’m comfortable. I like to control other people so that my relationship with them is what I fantasize it being like, not what it has the real potential to be. I like to control my children so that they do exactly what I want them to do, not what they want to do. I want things to be done my way, to unfold my way, and to end up… MY WAY! And so on and so forth. I used to think that the more control I had in life, the better quality of life I would have. After all, that’s what makes the most sense to me. If I can have control in life, then I can have life on my terms… the way I want it to play out. I’ve fought most of my life to gain the most control I can in all of my circumstances, relationships, jobs, and recreational activities. I’ve read books on how to gain control of every aspect of my life and have eagerly applied the principles. The problem with trying to control other people, inanimate objects, and life circumstances is that control over anything other than ourselves is an illusion.

We can control our choices, our intentions, our attitudes, and our actions. We can control the way we respond to the things that happen in life and the meaning we attach to the outcomes. We can also control the things in life that we choose to create and the paths that we take on this journey. But we can’t control every other living organism that surrounds us on the planet. And we can’t control 99.9% of our life circumstance.

When I’m pouring my heart into something that I’m creating and giving myself over to, I am my happiest and best self. Be it a project, relationship, or my art. As the creation begins to take on a life of it’s own, which is the most beautiful part of creating, I find myself at home and content. However, inevitably, the control freak within me will rears its ugly head and begins to whisper into my mind. “All this work, sacrifice and energy will be for nothing if you don’t take control.” I begin to look at the circumstance as ‘mine’. I stop appreciating the circumstance for what it could be and begin to look at it in terms of ‘what can I get from this.’ Most of the time things go down hill from here. I begin to obsess and worry about things not ‘turning out’ the way I want them to. The way I think they should. But something occurred to me one day. What if I surrender?

When the idea of surrender hit me I thought it was 'nice'. I surrendered some things on that day and found some peace. It felt incredible to let go of the tight hold I had on a few things and relax and trust.

But then, everyday something new would come to mind that I knew I needed to surrender. So I would... As best I could.

But this concept and practice of surrender has yet to let go of me. Everyday it dogs me until I surrender more. I've been reminded once again that I'm a total control freak. I've also been reminded that when I relinquish control over circumstances and relationships, room is made for life to be breathed into each situation because I don't have a strangle hold on it. The Divine has a way of resurrecting life circumstances when we surrender and trust that everything will be ok. Learn to let go of the stranglehold you have on life circumstances, in surrender, and allow The Divine to breathe life back into them. __________________________________________________________________________ “If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly in those moments.” ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.” ~Eckhart Tolle