The Worst Expectations are Someone Else's

Last week I wrote about taking practical steps to pursue the life you want.  I’ve had many conversations via email, facebook, and over the phone about that particular post.  The number one topic of conversation wasn’t about more details concerning the ‘how’, but was all about the ‘what’. It amazes me how many grown adults have no idea who they are, what they want to do or who they want to become.  They are still uncertain about the kind of life they want to live.  In the context of a road trip, the biggest question isn’t how to get to the destination as much as ‘what is the destination’ to begin with!

Why is it that trying to figure out who we truly want to be and what kind of life we want to live be so difficult and almost elusive?  Well I believe it’s a matter of expectations.  In my experience of working with people who are trying to figure this critical piece out, they have no idea what they truly want because they haven’t let go of the expectations of others.  They are too busy pleasing others and trying to live a life approved by their parents, faith group, the opposite sex, etc. that they have no room to discover who they are and what they want.

David Deida, in The Way of the Superior Man, offers this insight to all men trying to live a fulfilled masculine life… “Live as if your father is already dead”.  Now if you back up a minute and gain some perspective you will see how truly powerful this advice is.  I have a wonderful father and I’m blessed to live near him and be able to connect with him on many levels.  However, I can no longer live my life trying to please him.  That would be ridiculous and unsustainable.  I have to live my own life by my values and my principles, led by my heart and my relationship with the Divine… not his.  And he wouldn’t want me living to please him.  He’s too healthy for that.

Now this doesn’t apply to just the masculine.  It applies to everyone, masculine and feminine.  How many people do you know, or maybe you’re one of them, that went into their first career because it’s what their parents wanted them to do?  Only to find themselves burnt out because they weren’t doing something that made them come alive.  Because they weren’t giving the gift they were purposed in life to give.  They married the person they were ‘supposed’ to marry.  They bought the house and the life that they thought they were ‘supposed’ to.  Never truly asking, is this what I really want?  Is this the life I want to live?

How many people do you know that continue to make huge life decisions based on what the particular sub-society they are a part of values.  I’ve seen it in high society, low society, faith society, and family structures.  The only sustainable life you can live is the one you want to live.  And even then, you have to fight and work hard for it.

Now I’m not saying you should walk out on your life long relationships, marriage, career, mortgage payments, etc.  Certainly I’m not saying that you should wish your parents weren’t around anymore.  The funny thing is, I work with people whose parents have long been dead, and they are still living a life that tries to please their dead parents, and not their living selves.  I’m not talking about shirking the responsibilities that you have and the commitments you’ve made.  But I am talking about shedding the expectations that aren’t your own.  Discovering who you are and what you want.  What makes you come alive?  What brings you the greatest joy in your life?  What makes you happy?  What is your unique relationship with the Divine? And how can you pursue these things more in your life?

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I choose today to live my life according to my expectations and no one else.  I will do what it takes to discover who I am, what I want, and how I want to live my life.  I am capable of listening to my heart, connecting to the Source, and discovering what I want in life and who I want to be.

Loving Yourself

Why all the talk about loving yourself?  Because I firmly believe that until you learn to love yourself, you will always be limited in your ability to receive love from others and give love as well. Now I’m not talking about selfishness.  And I’m not talking about narcissism either.  Acting in selfish and narcissistic ways are not truly loving to one’s self.  Spoiling the inner ‘brat’ that cries and whines and always wants it selfish little ways is not the path to growth, peace, love, joy, etc.  So please don’t get confused as we talk about loving self.

I’m speaking of actual love.  Pure love for yourself.  The kind of love that is gracious and kind.  The kind of love that reaches in and accepts you just the way you are.  The kind of love that motivates us to become better people, not out of ‘shame’ or ‘should’ or ‘ought’… but out of kindness and compassion.  The kind of love that extends second, third, and fourth changes (and in some cases 107^th chances).

Many religious people (and I’m talking about several world religions) mistakenly believe that their faith calls them to dislike or even hate themselves.  At the very least, they mistakenly believe that they must never think of themselves under any circumstances.  However, I just don’t find that to be a sustainable faith.  In fact, I believe that the more we love ourselves the more we are able to accept the love of the Divine.   The more we love ourselves, the more we see our own value and worth.  And the more we see our own value and worth, accepting love for ourselves, the more we are able to truly see the value and worth in others.  And of course, the more we see the value and worth in others, the more we are able to give to them from a wealth that is Divine.

The other side of that is if you don’t love and accept yourself, it will be extremely difficult to receive love from others and even from the Divine.  Why?  Because if you aren’t actively loving yourself, you won’t feel like you are worth the love of the Divine.  The coolest thing about God is that sometimes God breaks into our lives and allows us to actually feel Divine love.  Often times, this is the only thing that can help us to shift our perspective on loving ourselves.

So how can you begin to actively love yourself more today?  What are active ways that you show yourself that you love yourself?  Is there a self-destructive habit that you are addicted to that you can give up?  Is there a way you can affirm your health and thereby actively show yourself love?  Are there thought patterns that need to be addressed?  Is there an area of your life where you could apply some grace and stop beating yourself up?  Could you forgive yourself for something you've done or taken the blame for?  Could you just simply accept your body, just as it is?

It only takes the tiniest actions of self-love to start a bit of an avalanche.  And that’s one chain reaction worth setting in motion.

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Today I choose to love myself.  I will extend myself grace and acceptance when otherwise I would normally choose criticism and shame.  Today I will choose to make at least one decision that actively shows myself love.