Blinded by Expecations

My friend loves to travel.  It is one of the main goals and purposes in her life.  She never seems more alive or more happy than when she’s visiting another country or running across a few states to visit a new town and discover a little something about that new area to her. It's remarkable that she's taken so many trips in the past few years.  She’s been overseas to Eastern Europe, Italy, the Carribean, and traveled around to some of the finest museums in the world.  She regularly travels to visit family and friends in the States as well as traveling for work.

But do you know what one of her biggest complaints is whenever we talk?  That she doesn’t ever get to travel.  That’s right!  Even though she travels regularly, she doesn’t see it that way.  She hardly recognizes that she is living into her dreams.  Instead all she sees are the trips that she hasn’t taken yet.  She sees all of the places she hasn’t gone to or visited.

It’s one thing to have a dream.  It’s another thing to be so preoccupied with a particular expectation, that you don’t even realize that you are already living your dream.  Always looking towards the future has the tendency to rob us of the present moment, even if we are doing exactly what it is we’ve always wanted to do.

This same phenomenon happens across the board in life.  We have a particular expectation of what something is supposed to look like, feel like, taste like, produce like, or ____________ like, and yet when we truly are living into the reality, we can completely miss it.  Why?  Because expectations are just that… expectations.  They aren’t the reality.  And it is completely possible to hold so tightly to expectations that when the real deal arrives, we aren’t really present with it at all.  This is a tragedy when it happens.  We’ve worked so hard, waited so long, and sacrificed so much to live into a life experience that we’ve wanted greatly, yet we completely miss out on the real deal when its right in front of us.

You see this happen in relationships as well.  A person has dreamed of being married to that special person for their whole life.  They think that when they do finally get married, everything in their life will suddenly be well and whole.  Then when they do meet that special person and marry, they are holding so tightly to their expectations that they aren’t able to enjoy the true benefits of marriage that now available to them.

Are you being fully present with the remarkable moments in your life?  Or are you clinging so tightly to your expectations and the way you ‘think’ things ‘should’ be, that you are missing out completely on the miracles that are happening for you right now?

What incredible thing is happening in your life right now that you are hardly aware of because the death grip you have on your expectations is keeping you from reality?

the Work isn't Sexy

Doing the work is rarely sexy, but it has teeth.  Many people have talked about what it means to ‘do the work’.  When we talk about ‘work’ we are talking about so much more than you ‘job’.  The work is anything that needs to get done, by you, in order to move from where we are to where we want to be.  And its rarely easy. The work is rarely glamorous but it moves us forward.

Work takes discipline. Work takes energy.

Work means changing your schedule and getting up early doing the cardio routine you don't want to do. It means sitting down to write the pages you don't feel like writing.  It’s having the difficult conversations that you just don’t want to have.

Work means making difficult choices. It often times means simplifying and sacrificing now for something greater in the end. You can tell who does the work. They are the ones who began living their lives on their terms and they haven’t regretted it for a moment.

Work means saying no to so many other things so that you can say yes to the things you truly want. And those things that you say no to immediately often times make us feel better right away but leave us wanting and far from our goals.

Work means keeping an open heart when all you want to do is close down. Work means being vulnerable when all you want to do is hide.

Work often means ignoring the criticism of others and not pleasing the masses. Work can often times feels lonely even though it isn't.

Work usually happens in the midst of crippling fear, not without it.  It means moving forward with the plan even when we're scared to death of being rejected, failing, or more likely... scared of succeeding.

This is why it's called work. But doing the work makes all the difference. It allows us to sleep at night with a clear head. You already know it but I'm going to say it anyways. Nothing comes easy. But all things are possible, with the Divine and some work.

If you've done any self-reflecting, you probably are aware of some of the work in your life that you need to do.  Now get to work.

What you can do right Now to Impact your Journey

I was working with a friend on defining some long term and short term goals.  Now these goals weren’t just pulled out of thin air.  This person spent some time and effort digging deep, looking inside, and determining what kind of life she wanted to have in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, and what kind of legacy she wanted as she lay on her death bed.  This person took the time to define her intentions for life and has a pretty good idea what her purpose is.  So the goals we were working on were goals that would help her immediately live into her purpose and her intentions for life. One of the things she saw for herself in a year was a much deeper connection with her daughter.  Yes, she already had a deep connection with her daughter, but she wanted more of that and wanted to feed that connection.  What an incredible intention and a great goal.  So we began to talk about the things that would have to happen for that connection to grow deeper.  We talked for awhile about changing her schedule, carving out more time with her daughter, and even changing careers and lifestyle in order to facilitate this deeper connection.

After awhile we realized that it was going to be some work and some time before she could alter her schedule completely and change her career path.  Most people at this point would get down and depressed about having to wait that long before being able to institute the changes so that her life would line up the way they want.  But not my friend.  She knew already what she could do to immediately have a deeper connection with her daughter and live into that desire tomorrow.  She spoke up and said, “I can be more present with my daughter today.”

Making little changes like turning off the tv, the Ipad, the phone, and anything else that would be a distraction, so that during the evening she could be fully with her daughter.  Listening intently to her daughter as she did her reading home work.  Eating face to face with each other.  Making sure at bed time that she was fully present with her daughter and not working on some other things at the same time.

That is powerful!  Actually being emotionally and spiritually present with the person you are in the same space with.  People know when you’re with them.  People are aware when you choose to set all distractions aside.  Especially children.

I couldn’t have been more proud and excited for my friend.  She wasn’t going to wait for ‘this’ circumstance to change, or for ‘that thing’ to happen.  She wasn’t going to put off what she wanted another day.  She made a decision to immediately begin living into the things she truly wanted.

She is making decisions and taking steps to move towards a different career and begin a new path that will take some time to come to full fruition.  And the beauty of it is that she will have been present for the entire journey.  That’s how intentional journeys are made.  By figuring out what you truly want, how you desire to live, and making the necessary changes to live that life.  All the while being fully present and looking for opportunities to make big impacts immediately.

What one thing could you do right now that would help bring you closer to those things in your life that you want?  What one change could you make on a daily basis that would help feed and motivate you on your journey?

Fear and Self-Sabotage

Have you ever tried to love someone only to find out that there is no way they are going to allow you in?  Do you know someone who seemingly had it all together and then started behaving in ways that destroyed their success? You show me a person who constantly sabotages the relationships that mean the most to them and I will show you a person who doesn’t think they deserve to be loved.  That is lack of love for self.  Oh yes, maybe they are afraid.  Aren’t we all afraid of letting others in?  Afraid of letting others be close to us?  Aren’t we all afraid that if others find out who we really are they will see that we are a fraud?  That we don’t have it all together?  That we’ve made mistakes?  That we’ll make mistakes again?

“Well if they really knew what I was like deep down, they would run as far away from me a possible.”  So we lie.  We deflect.  We never really ‘show up’ and be present with them and allow them to see our true hearts.  Below is an excerpt from an email I received from such a person.  This person came to the realization that they had been putting on a ‘false self’ in order to try to make people happy.  They have given me full permission to use this…

“I care way too much what everyone thinks of me.  I act like I don’t, but I do.  It affects everything that I do from counseling to being counseled.  From my work life to, and especially in, my home life.  With my family and friends and church.  I want people to think well of me and I can’t stand when they don’t.  I wish I cared less, but the monster in me that craves validation and affirmation is usually too hungry.  I do so many things in a way that is rarely “true” and whole hearted.  Usually I’m splitting part of my being up and spending energy on trying to present myself in a way that I’m liked.

I hide so many things from so many people.  Who could I sit down and be honest with without the total fear that they would leave me and no longer love me.  Then I feel as if I’d be ashamed of what everyone thought of me.”

Isn’t that the greatest fear that we all have?  That we aren’t worth being loved and that we will be alone because of it.  Isn’t this what every child fears on the first day of school?  Isn’t this what every middle school child thinks the first time they send that text (or in my day, passed a note)?  Isn’t that what adults think when they close themselves off from the one’s that love them most, engage in sabotaging behavior, and refuse to let love in?

It is hard to show our true selves.  And where do we start?  I think we start by realizing that we are hiding in the first place.  Getting honest with ourselves first.  Asking solid questions like, ‘am I a people pleaser?’  ‘Do I craft my life in a way to present myself to people in order to be liked?’

How do we move past trying to please people in order to soothe the fear that we won’t be liked?  By believing we are worth being loved.  Another way to say that is to love yourself.  Value yourself.  Believe that you truly do deserve to be loved and that you have something to offer other people that no one else can… yourself.  If you love and value yourself, you won’t let yourself hide.  You won’t let yourself sabotage relationships either.  So how about it?  Are you hiding?  Are you sabotaging yourself and your relationships?

When Spiritual Practices Seem Stale and Lifeless

One of the most frustrating things that happens in a person’s spiritual journey, is the way well intentioned disciplines become stale and empty.  Spiritual practices are important and the discipline it takes to spend time daily in prayer, meditation, contemplative practices, kundalini, etc. help to provide a path to connect with the sacred and help us find our rhythm. There is a pattern in my life that seems to emerge.  After a time of great insight, depth, and even elation after having started these spiritual practices on a regular basis, there inevitably comes a ‘dry spell’.  It’s like a plateau of sorts.  It isn’t that the spiritual practices are no longer helpful or beneficial.  It’s just with any sort of discipline, there are exciting times with profound insight and then there are the necessary times that while they seem dry and rote, are actually still just as beneficial.

The problem here is that we are emotional beings.  If you are saying to yourself, “I’m not that emotional”, you’re fooling yourself.  We are all moved when we are touched on a heart level.  So as emotional beings, when we feel our spiritual practices are growing stale, we want to do something to bring the life back.  Unfortunately, the answer to this dilemma given by spiritual mentors, guides, and pastors is often… “spend more time in _________________”.  Fill in the blank.  More time in prayer.  More time in solitude.  More time in yoga.  More time in whatever it is you rely on for a spiritual practice.  Unfortunately this advice can actually cripple our spiritual progress.  We are told to do the very thing that is feeling ‘lifeless’ to us.  So we push on, spending more time than may actually be beneficial to us in a spiritual practice that feels lifeless.  Then we quickly grow to despise the very practice that we first adopted in an effort to grow our hearts.  Eventually we abandon the spiritual practice all together and declare them useless, lifeless, and a waste of time.  Or we determine that we’ve ‘outgrown’ that particular practice, all the while we know that’s not really the case.

During one of these dry spells  in my own life, I connected with a distant mentor.  In casual conversation this person asked me a simple question.  “Brad, what is it that makes you feel the most alive when you do it?”  I had to stop and think.  I had to sit with that question for quite some time.  But then I knew.  Riding horses.  Something I had done since I was a child, but hadn’t made happen in a long time.  I made a call to a friend, set up a few rides, and I just let go and enjoyed everyone of the rides.  I can’t tell you how connected I feel to the Divine when I’m riding a strong horse in the early morning while the dew is still on the ground.  Nothing else matters and I feel as tied to the Divine as ever.  I feel connected to my highest self and it isn’t work or effort.  It just happens.

So here’s my advice to you.  Do those things that make you come alive.  Do those things that make you feel closest to The Source.  What is it that when you do it you feel the presence of the Divine in your life?  Maybe it’s hiking.  Maybe it’s camping.  Or reading a book.  Or watching a movie.  Or painting.  Or running.  Or flying.  Or competing in a sport.  Or playing an instrument.  What is it that when you do it, you feel connected to yourself, the Divine, and all of creation?

Whatever it is that you need to do, don’t put it off.  Tap into it today.  Pursue those things that make you feel alive.  Pursue those things that seem to make time fly as you participate in them.  Pursue those things that shake the rust and dust from your heart because of the thrill and peace that comes with doing them.  All the while, not giving up your spiritual practice.  Then you will see for yourself how you are transformed during these ‘dry’ times.

So what makes you come alive?  What is it that when you do it, you absolutely feel connected to something larger than yourself?  Now either drop what you’re doing right now and pursue it, or schedule it into your next 2 days immediately.

What it Looks LIke

One of the questions I’m asked most often is… “what does it look like to love yourself?” or “what do you mean by, self-love?” It is pretty simple.  Loving yourself looks a lot like caring for and taking care of yourself.  Emotionally, physically, and spiritually caring for yourself.  Show me a person who loves themselves and I’ll show you someone who has a healthy sense of their worth.  This person cares for their heart and knows how to listen to it.  This person has invested the time and energy to know who they are and what they want.  They have shed the expectations of others and live from a true place, deep within.

This person knows how to keep the commitments they’ve made to themselves.  Grandiose commitments and tiny little ones too.  This person has learned to deal with their addictions and knows why they may have a tendency towards them.  This person takes small action steps everyday that show themselves that they care.  They are learning to eat better.  They are learning to exercise on a regular basis.  Not because they ‘should’, but because they want to.  They care about their body because they care about themselves.

This person knows that trying to please everyone else is a huge waste of energy, time and personal resources.  Yet this person is actually pleasing to so many because they know what gifts they have to give and has learned how to sustainably give them over and over again, adding value to the world.  Show me a person who knows how to love and care for themselves and I’ll show you a person who has ended the toxic relationships in their lives.  This person truly values their own time and truly values the time of others because of it.

Someone who loves themselves chooses daily to be present in every way possible.  They don’t hide from their pain.  Instead, they acknowledge it, process it while suppressing as little as possible, and moves forward towards healing.  They are present with themselves and with those they engage with on a regular basis.

Show me a person who cares about themselves and I’ll show you someone who is willing to grow and is always learning.  They care too much for themselves to live in the status quo.  They know that taking risks and facing their fears of uncertainty are the only true ways to move forward in life and that its worth the reward.  This person isn’t afraid to say ‘no’ or ‘yes’ to people and life circumstance because they take the time to be quiet and listen to their hearts.  Incredible discernment comes from caring that much about your health, emotions, and spirit.

Show me a person who loves themselves and I’ll show you a person who is deeply connected to the Divine.  Someone who realizes that the Source values them and loves them deeply.

At this point the response I get is usually, ‘that sounds impossible’.  Well its not.  It isn’t easy however.  Sometimes caring for yourself is a narrow road.  But doesn’t that sound like a life worth living?  Isn’t that something you would fight for?  I fight for it, everyday.  And full disclosure… I don’t always do a brilliant job of caring for myself.  I’m still learning.   What would caring for and loving yourself look like?  Specifically, in your life, what does it look like?  Don’t put it off.  Write out a list right now of what it would look like.  You may be surprised with what you come up with.

The Worst Expectations are Someone Else's

Last week I wrote about taking practical steps to pursue the life you want.  I’ve had many conversations via email, facebook, and over the phone about that particular post.  The number one topic of conversation wasn’t about more details concerning the ‘how’, but was all about the ‘what’. It amazes me how many grown adults have no idea who they are, what they want to do or who they want to become.  They are still uncertain about the kind of life they want to live.  In the context of a road trip, the biggest question isn’t how to get to the destination as much as ‘what is the destination’ to begin with!

Why is it that trying to figure out who we truly want to be and what kind of life we want to live be so difficult and almost elusive?  Well I believe it’s a matter of expectations.  In my experience of working with people who are trying to figure this critical piece out, they have no idea what they truly want because they haven’t let go of the expectations of others.  They are too busy pleasing others and trying to live a life approved by their parents, faith group, the opposite sex, etc. that they have no room to discover who they are and what they want.

David Deida, in The Way of the Superior Man, offers this insight to all men trying to live a fulfilled masculine life… “Live as if your father is already dead”.  Now if you back up a minute and gain some perspective you will see how truly powerful this advice is.  I have a wonderful father and I’m blessed to live near him and be able to connect with him on many levels.  However, I can no longer live my life trying to please him.  That would be ridiculous and unsustainable.  I have to live my own life by my values and my principles, led by my heart and my relationship with the Divine… not his.  And he wouldn’t want me living to please him.  He’s too healthy for that.

Now this doesn’t apply to just the masculine.  It applies to everyone, masculine and feminine.  How many people do you know, or maybe you’re one of them, that went into their first career because it’s what their parents wanted them to do?  Only to find themselves burnt out because they weren’t doing something that made them come alive.  Because they weren’t giving the gift they were purposed in life to give.  They married the person they were ‘supposed’ to marry.  They bought the house and the life that they thought they were ‘supposed’ to.  Never truly asking, is this what I really want?  Is this the life I want to live?

How many people do you know that continue to make huge life decisions based on what the particular sub-society they are a part of values.  I’ve seen it in high society, low society, faith society, and family structures.  The only sustainable life you can live is the one you want to live.  And even then, you have to fight and work hard for it.

Now I’m not saying you should walk out on your life long relationships, marriage, career, mortgage payments, etc.  Certainly I’m not saying that you should wish your parents weren’t around anymore.  The funny thing is, I work with people whose parents have long been dead, and they are still living a life that tries to please their dead parents, and not their living selves.  I’m not talking about shirking the responsibilities that you have and the commitments you’ve made.  But I am talking about shedding the expectations that aren’t your own.  Discovering who you are and what you want.  What makes you come alive?  What brings you the greatest joy in your life?  What makes you happy?  What is your unique relationship with the Divine? And how can you pursue these things more in your life?

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I choose today to live my life according to my expectations and no one else.  I will do what it takes to discover who I am, what I want, and how I want to live my life.  I am capable of listening to my heart, connecting to the Source, and discovering what I want in life and who I want to be.

Live the Life You Want

Something amazing happens when you surround yourself with incredible and genuine people.  You begin to realize that there is no secret or key to life, other than simply living life the way you want to.  One of my friends is an accomplished musician, making music with some of the most talented people in the world.  Another friend is a remarkable writer and director, able to create his own path now.  Another is teaching math to her students in a whole new way.  The thing these people have in common is that they made choices, over and over again on a daily basis that led them to being able to do what they want to with their life.  And you can do the same thing with your life. Can you succeed at your job in such a way that creates remarkable opportunity for your future?  Of course you can.  It’s simple really.  Just do the work that you know needs to be done.  Follow your instincts and don’t be afraid to work with fervor.  The real question to be answered is, ‘is this what you want to be doing with your career?’

Can you be fulfilled in your relationship?  Sure you can.  Keep calm.  Keep cool.  Extend grace and love with every breathe and be completely present.  Stop dong the things that you know are destructive for the relationship.  It is that simple.  The question is, ‘do you want to be in this relationship?’  Is it good for you?

Can you really eat healthy, lose the weight, and get in shape?  No doubt about it.  It’s a simple matter of doing the work that you know will transform you life and your body.  Limit the processed foods you eat and stick with foods that you can tell what it came from, fruits, vegetables, lean protein, whole grains, etc.  Exercise on a regular basis.  Get 8 hours of sleep each night.  With all the wonderful and free resources available at your fingertips, it has never been easier to know what to do actually.  The real question is, ‘do you want to be healthy?’

In fact, there are so many resources available to you at the touch of a button, there isn’t much you couldn’t do if you wanted to.  The real question isn’t so much ‘can you do _________________ well’, the real question is ‘what do you truly want to do and be?’  If you could answer that question honestly, I think you would be a step ahead of most people on the planet.  Because once you figure out what you want to do, the only thing left is to break everything down into small steps towards your goal.  Then you work those steps and adjust as you go along.  It isn’t rocket science.  It isn’t only for the incredibly smart (which you are) or talented (which you are).  It’s for anyone who can make a plan and work it.

The difficult part is finding powerful motivation and the discipline to stick to the plan you’ve made.  So what will it take for you to succeed at your job, relationship, health?  Sit down right now and write out exactly what it would take.  Don’t put this off.  Begin to write down the steps towards the kind of life you want.

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I already know what it takes to succeed with my finances.  I already know what it takes to succeed with my relationship.  I already know what it takes to be healthy.  And what I don't know, I can easily discover.

It usually starts with Forgiveness

If you’ve lived on this planet for any amount of time, you’ve been wronged at some point.  If you’ve lived on this planet for any extended amount of time, then you’ve been wronged by someone on the deepest level.  It happens to all of us.  And we’ve all completely let someone else down somewhere along the line as well. When we’ve been wronged on the deepest level, taken advantage of, harmed, or betrayed it can seem like life will never be right again.  But it will.  And it most likely will need to start with forgiveness.  Forgiveness is always about us, not the victimizer.  That person doesn’t need your forgiveness in order to make peace with what they’ve done.  But you’ll need to forgive that person in order to make peace in your own hear and life.  Forgiveness is about letting go of our hurt, our pain and our bitterness so that it doesn’t poison our hearts.  We’ve all heard this before, but that’s because it is true.

We can’t hold onto pain, anger and bitterness and at the same time be free to accept love, the Divine, and growth.  When we hold on to the anger and bitterness, we are blocking the ability for love and growth to move in our lives.

Someone once said that forgiving means forgetting.  Well I think that is total BS.  When have you ever truly forgotten when someone else harmed you?  And why would you forget that?  Forgetting has nothing to do with it and not forgetting can help guide us safely in interactions with that person in the future.  However forgiving does mean letting go and making room in your heart for healing.

You might say, ‘Brad, you have no idea what this person did.  It’s unspeakable.’  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that you were hurt and wronged in such a terrible way.  But holding on to the anger and bitterness will never make you right.  It won’t change what has happened.  It won’t heal you.  It won’t bring some semblance of peace back into your life.  It will only drag you to the bottom of a deep, cold and lonely ocean floor of malice.

I have found that forgiveness is always a choice at first, never a feeling.  Rarely have I been wronged and immediately felt like forgiving.  But at some point I made the choice to forgive that person even though I didn’t feel like.  And then, every time the pain or anger comes up, I continue again and again to forgive that person.  Until one day, the feeling is there and I find that I have completely forgiven that person.  And do you know how I’m aware that I’ve completely forgiven them?  The bitterness is gone.  And its not just because time has passed.  Its because I’ve chosen to forgive.

That person that’s done those horrible things to you?  They may never know that you’ve forgiven them.  They don’t have to.  The forgiveness isn’t for them… it’s for you.  This is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in my life.  And I need reminded of it every time someone crosses me.  Given a choice between malice and forgiveness, I choose forgiveness.

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Today I will choose forgiveness.  I choose to let go of my stong hold on the pain, anger, and bitterness, and I choose to receive love, hope, and joy.  Choosing forgiveness means healing for me. 

Loving Yourself

Why all the talk about loving yourself?  Because I firmly believe that until you learn to love yourself, you will always be limited in your ability to receive love from others and give love as well. Now I’m not talking about selfishness.  And I’m not talking about narcissism either.  Acting in selfish and narcissistic ways are not truly loving to one’s self.  Spoiling the inner ‘brat’ that cries and whines and always wants it selfish little ways is not the path to growth, peace, love, joy, etc.  So please don’t get confused as we talk about loving self.

I’m speaking of actual love.  Pure love for yourself.  The kind of love that is gracious and kind.  The kind of love that reaches in and accepts you just the way you are.  The kind of love that motivates us to become better people, not out of ‘shame’ or ‘should’ or ‘ought’… but out of kindness and compassion.  The kind of love that extends second, third, and fourth changes (and in some cases 107^th chances).

Many religious people (and I’m talking about several world religions) mistakenly believe that their faith calls them to dislike or even hate themselves.  At the very least, they mistakenly believe that they must never think of themselves under any circumstances.  However, I just don’t find that to be a sustainable faith.  In fact, I believe that the more we love ourselves the more we are able to accept the love of the Divine.   The more we love ourselves, the more we see our own value and worth.  And the more we see our own value and worth, accepting love for ourselves, the more we are able to truly see the value and worth in others.  And of course, the more we see the value and worth in others, the more we are able to give to them from a wealth that is Divine.

The other side of that is if you don’t love and accept yourself, it will be extremely difficult to receive love from others and even from the Divine.  Why?  Because if you aren’t actively loving yourself, you won’t feel like you are worth the love of the Divine.  The coolest thing about God is that sometimes God breaks into our lives and allows us to actually feel Divine love.  Often times, this is the only thing that can help us to shift our perspective on loving ourselves.

So how can you begin to actively love yourself more today?  What are active ways that you show yourself that you love yourself?  Is there a self-destructive habit that you are addicted to that you can give up?  Is there a way you can affirm your health and thereby actively show yourself love?  Are there thought patterns that need to be addressed?  Is there an area of your life where you could apply some grace and stop beating yourself up?  Could you forgive yourself for something you've done or taken the blame for?  Could you just simply accept your body, just as it is?

It only takes the tiniest actions of self-love to start a bit of an avalanche.  And that’s one chain reaction worth setting in motion.

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Today I choose to love myself.  I will extend myself grace and acceptance when otherwise I would normally choose criticism and shame.  Today I will choose to make at least one decision that actively shows myself love.

What Kind of Life do you Want?

Our quality of life is dependent on many things.  Amazingly enough, our quality of life is not dependent on the circumstances of our world.  It isn’t dependent upon your spouse or significant other.  It isn’t dependent upon how well our children behave or if they meet our expectations.  Our quality of life isn’t dependent up on our job or our income. I believe our quality of life is determined by how we respond to life circumstances and the meanings we attach to what is happening in our life.  I’m not talking about being a ‘glass is half full’ kind of person.  I’m talking about attaching real meaning to what occurs in life and choosing to respond in a way that helps us live the kind of life we want to live.

What kind of life do you want?  How often do you think about what kind of life you want?  The question isn’t ‘what kind of life did you parents want for you?’  or your friends, or the culture you’ve been surrounded with or the particular faith tribe or political affiliations you have.  The question is ‘what kind of life do YOU want?’  Only you can answer that question.  And your answer to that question will determine your quality of life.

Lets say you’re in a job that leaves you completely unsatisfied.  Maybe you hate it or maybe you’re simply… unsatisfied.  You could spend the next 5 years (which would be way too long) complaining, wishing, hoping for a new job.  One that aligns closer to your purposes and the intentions you have for life.  If you’ve spent a fair amount of time and work, thinking about, meditating and praying about what kind of life you want to live, then the direction forward will be much more clear to you and you will be 10 steps closer to landing the kind of job you feel is aligned with your purpose on the planet (Full disclosure:  I believe everyone’s purpose involves adding value to the lives as others).

Discovering what kind of life we want isn’t impossible.  Those answers are lying there deep within us.  At first we may just have some general ideas.  I want to feel loved, I want to feel connected, I want to feel freedom, etc.  But as we do the work and process and dig to the core of who we are, these general ideas will get more and more specific.  Doing this work often times will reveal a road map, so to speak, of how we move towards the kind of life we want.

Some of you reading this are saying, ‘duh’ Brad.  That’s a no brainer.  But some reading this have had vague ideas of what they want, but have never clarified and done the work to get clear on what kind of life they want to live.

Some of you may be saying, ‘that’s too much focus on me’.  Well that’s a whole other issue.  But suffice it to say, if you can’t focus on what you want in life, you’ll only be able to give to others at a fraction of your potential.

So I ask you… what kind of life do you want?

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Today I will take the time to begin to do the work to get clear on what kind of life I want.  I will carve time out of my schedule and get silent, meditate, pray, do the things that make me come alive, so that I can get in touch with my core, my heart.  The answer to this question lies within me and I am capable of getting clear on what kind of life I want.

You Amaze Us God

Featured Artist,  Dale Fredrickson  

You Amaze us God,Not because-

You answer all our questions

Not because-

You hide us from desperate darkness

Not because-

You run the world the way we’d like

Because this is not the way you seem to work

You Amaze us God

You Amaze Because-

We can ask the most disturbing questions:

Why? How long? What for?

You Amaze Because-

You teach us to honestly cry out:

Screaming, Sighing, Weeping, Wailing.

You Amaze Because-

You allow us to see into the dreadful depths,

The bewildering brokenness of the human condition.

You Amaze Because you invite us to be the solution:

Wounded healers who share light and love.

People of Paradox who bring peace to all.

You Amaze us with a child

Someone who lived the questions

Experienced Life’s deepest pains

Embodied sacrificial love.

You Amaze us with a Child,

Who came into the chaos

Raised provocative Questions

Plumbed Profound Depths

Lifted up the Light of Love

You Amaze us because-

The Spark in this child’s eyes,

Shimmers and Shines and

Sets Aflame a fire

That Warms the World

Giving all the Light.

You Amaze us because-

Through this child We learn

Life-giving Long-lasting Love!

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Dale has published his new book entitled, Help Me Be, Praying in Poems.

Dale is a great man, great dad, great husband, and a great teacher.

For more on Dale, visit his site... dalefredrickson.com

How being Present changes the World

The other day I had a random conversation with someone that turned pretty deep rather quickly.  It was one of those bump into each other kind of instances where a passing ‘hello, how are you’ would have sufficed, but the person stopped and began a longer conversation.  And it wasn’t just that they felt like chatting.  I could tell this person legitimately cared about connecting with me and wanted to know how things in life were.  I walked away from that brief encounter feeling changed.  But why?  Was it something they said?  I didn’t remember words particularly insightful being spoken.  But the whole time we were talking I felt good… no, I felt great.  I felt fulfilled and I felt cared for and those things matter to me.  It was completely unexpected.  I thought about that conversation for quite some time.  And then it dawned on me… that person was 100% present with me the entire time we were talking.  They looked me in the eyes.  They never checked their phone.  They never tried to speed things up or exit the conversation.  They were just giving me their full attention. That is so powerful.  My day literally was better from that point on.  The remarkable thing about this gift is that it goes both ways.  Because that person was completely present, not allowing anything else to hijack the moment, they are better for it as well.

Can you imagine living a life where you are constantly focused on the thing your doing or the person you’re with?  Can you imagine taking an afternoon for yourself and instead of getting caught up in the next ‘pressing’ thing, you actually enjoyed yourself?  If this is a difficult thing to imagine, then it just might be what your heart and soul needs.

This isn’t something I can write with great experience about because I’m only learning to be dialed in myself.  Recently I had the opportunity to meet with one of my mentors.  This man is a giant in my line of work and someone I’ve looked up to for such a long time.  Do you know what I recognized was different about him when we were talking?  It wasn’t that he is insanely brilliant or charismatic.  It was that the entire time we were sharing, he was present and in the moment.  I’m not the smartest guy.  In fact I’m not the one millionth guy down the list of smart people.  And I’m not too charismatic either.  But one thing I can do is make the choice to be present in my life.

This is a gift that I can give to others and that I can also give to myself.  Being in the moment not only lets others know that I care and that I am offering value to them, but it also tells me that I care and that I have value to give.  For the sake of brevity I won’t go into detail about all the ways that we aren’t present or ‘alive’ in each moment.  You already know the ways in which you ‘escape’ throughout the day.  But what if it wasn’t about escaping?  What would it look like for you to decide that for the rest of the moments of the day you were going to be present in them?  What are ways you can be even more present than you already are?  If you have some thoughts on this I’d love to hear them.  I really would.

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Today I will be entirely present in my life.  I won't settle for escaping when the urge to distract myself from the present moment arises.  I will add value to the world and to my own life, simply by facing everything that comes my way with my full attention.  This will foster a deeper connection with myself, my God, my purpose, and others.

The First Step towards Change and Growth

There are ways in which we think about ourselves that often we aren’t aware of. Take self-acceptance for example. There is nothing more powerful than the ability to love yourself. And the first step to loving yourself is accepting yourself, just the way you are… right now. Not 1 year from now, or 3 years from now. Not when you have a different job, the great promotion, the right life partner, the right children, the right house, car, etc. But accepting yourself right now, just the way you are. Here is how most of us operate. There are things about our lives that we aren’t satisfied with. Maybe it is something as simple as not being satisfied with our job. So we don’t accept that part of our life until we end up having the kind of job we like or the kind of income we desire. We tell ourselves that once that happens we can accept ourselves and really begin loving ourselves. What we often don’t realize is that isn’t how self-acceptance and self-love work. It doesn’t just begin to happen when we reach certain ‘goals’. No. Self-acceptance and self-love begin when we make the choice to accept ourselves. And this is a choice we must make day after day for the rest of our lives.

Now the job scenario was an easy one. Lets dig a little deeper. Maybe there is something about yourself that you just can’t stand. Maybe it’s the way you can never keep to a diet or an exercise routine. Maybe it’s something as simple as the inability to quit smoking. Or maybe you don’t like how judgemental you are or you don’t like how easily you give yourself away physically because you’re just desperate for love and connection.

There are several issues that arise when we aren’t accepting of ourselves. The first is we often take on a sense of shame and ownership in a very negative way. We believe that because we’ve made a mistake or messed up again, we deserve the shame and many of the negative emotions that we feel towards ourselves. Secondly, we tell ourselves that this behavior is unacceptable, and so, we are unacceptable. This is such a huge block to growth in our lives.

It is nearly impossible to make changes in our lives when we are being motivated from a place of disapproval, unacceptance, and self-dislike. Nothing drains us more of motivation and energy than to dislike ourselves. Nothing blocks our hearts off from the love of the Divine more than our own self-hatred and self-loathing. And this is the nasty dirty little secret of life. We want to change because we recognize that we want to live better lives, but secretly, in ways we often aren’t aware of, we hate ourselves for making the mistakes we make on a regular basis. And self-hatred is completely counter-productive to growth and change.

But what if we radically accepted ourselves right now. Without hesitation. What if we CHOSE to accept ourselves with all of our warts and blemishes. What if we accepted ourselves right now, even though we are addicted to ____________________ or can’t help ourselves when it comes to _______________________.

When we accept ourselves just the way we are, by simply making the choice to, we relax our hearts and open them to be filled with new life. Our hands, that were once clinging to self-hatred and disapproval are now free to reach for and hold onto hope, change, and growth. You will find it almost impossible to make change based on self-hatred and disapproval. So make the choice to accept yourself just the way you are and begin to experience the motivation and energy to change because you care for yourself and want the best for yourself. It’s the difference between night and day within your own heart.

If you believe in a Higher Power you might start by asking For help in this area. If you don't believe in a Higher Power you might start by taking five minutes to sit with the decision to accept yourself.

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Even though I can’t stand that I always ______________________________, I choose to totally, deeply, and completely love and accept myself, just the way I am. In loving and accepting myself I am choosing a better way of life.

Breaking through Limiting Beliefs

For the longest time in my life I had lived with limiting beliefs.  Beliefs like, I don’t have enough money.  I don’t know how to handle money if I did have enough.  I could never sustain success.  I don’t deserve great things.  I’m not very smart.  I’m not very capable.  I don’t have what it takes.  I will fail at everything.  Other people succeed because they are born with something that I just don’t have. Etc. It feels embarrassing even to write those limiting beliefs out and share them with others.  But its true.  These are some of the paradigms I lived in for such a long time.  The wild part is that I can’t even tell you where all of these limiting beliefs orginated in my life.  Some of them I can see clearly where and how they developed, but others, I have no idea.

Do you know the problem with limiting beliefs?  As long as you have them, you will NEVER get past them.  You can’t sustainably ignore a belief that is continually running in your head, like a looped song.

The other interesting part is that these things aren’t based in any truth.  We tell ourselves these lies everyday and most of the time we aren’t aware that we’re lying to ourselves.  “I’m just not disciplined enough to eat right and exercise.”  “I’ve never been good at connecting with people.”  “I’m not lucky enough to get a break.”  These lies are based in our heads.  That’s where beliefs reside. So how do we move forward?  How do we begin to destroy or limiting beliefs?  How do we begin to dismantle the many ways that we limit ourselves?  By asking questions that begin to smash the foundation of these beliefs.

For example, If your limiting belief is that you don’t have enough money, you could simply ask yourself… Have other people not had enough money and then found a way to make more money?

If your limiting belief is that you couldn’t sustain success, you could ask yourself… Have other people learned how to sustain success and been happy about it?

If your limiting belief is that you don’t deserve great things, you could ask yourself… Have great things happened to other people who didn’t deserve it?

If your limiting belief is that you aren’t smart  enough, you could ask yourself… Have other people who weren’t brilliant succeeded?

The answers to these questions not only chip away at the foundation of limiting beliefs, but often can completely change the lenses with which we see the world.  Have you identified and recognized your limiting beliefs?  How long have you been living with them?  In what ways have they effected you?  Finally, what questions could you ask that would begin to destroy the limiting beliefs in your life?

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Today I will be aware of my beliefs and point out any that may be limiting.  I will actively state the limiting beliefs that I have found and I will ask the right questions to begin dismantling them.

Plastic Phrases

In my line of work I hear all kinds of platitudes, cliché’s, trite statements, and seemingly plastic phrases.  When we have a bump in the road, are broken by life’s circumstances, or are undergoing a major crises or tragedy, people tend to whip these plastic phrases out and put them to use on us.  Its not that these plastic phrases aren’t true.  Usually cliché’s have a way of becoming a cliché because they have proven themselves to actually have a bit of truth time and time again.  It’s just that, in a moment of crises or tragedy, platitudes and plastic phrases don’t cut it. During difficult times it isn’t our minds or our heads that are hurt or broken.  It’s our hearts.  We know all the cliché’s and trite statements already.  We don’t need to hear them from other people.  And when other people are hurting, they don’t need to hear cliché’s and trite statements from us either.  We need to know that we aren’t alone.  We need to know that we are loved.  We need to know that no matter what happens, we are going to be ok.  That regardless of the circumstance, or crises, or tragedy our life won’t be swallowed up by what’s happening in the world.

What we need in times of trouble and/or tragedy is to have someone be present with us.  There is no substitute to having someone who is fully present, fully aware, and fully giving us their attention.  It so rarely happens that someone will turn off to everything else and just BE with us.  Think about it.  When was the last time you turned off your mobile devices, computer, tablet, notebook, smartphone, TV, mind, concerns and just gave 100% of your attention to the person sitting or standing in front of you?  That is one of the most powerful, energizing, comforting and hope-filled things we can do for a person.  Give them ourselves.

When life is wrecking me, I never feel the need for a quick answer.  I crave the presence of a caring, loving person who is willing to give themselves and their time to me.  Nothing heals like that.  Nothing comforts like that.  Nothing.

Lets keep our plastic phrases in our pockets and instead have the courage to share the essence of our hearts with someone who is sitting in a place that we have been ourselves or will be at some point.  Everyone has a platitude to share, but only you can share your self with others.  Bring all of you to this world in a time of need.  We need you.

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The best thing I have to offer someone in their time of need is simply my attention.  By being completely present with someone I am giving them the greatest gift of all.  I will help others feel connected to humanity by being present in their time of need.

The Last Person We Forgive, needs it the most

We’ve all been wronged.  We’ve all been taken advantage of and hurt.  We all know that we will have to forgive that person that hurt us at some point.  Most of us are self aware enough to know that if we don’t learn to forgive those who wrong us, it will eventually eat us up inside and cause more harm.  So, often we make the decision to forgive someone before we actually ‘feel’ like forgiving them.  Then, eventually, after we continue to choose forgiveness for that person over and over again, we begin to feel like forgiving them. I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t know.  But what I have found is that there is almost always one person we don’t forgive.  In most cases we don’t forgive this person because we don’t even think about forgiving them.  We may not even be aware that we are angry with, disappointed with, or disgusted with that person.  But we usually are, and that person needs forgiveness too.  I’m talking about forgiving ourselves.

When we’ve done wrong or we feel like we are responsible for harm or pain, emotionally or physically, that has come to someone else, we rarely extend ourselves the grace we would extend to others.  We feel like everyone else deserves a second chance or forgiveness but us.  We feel somehow like the things we’ve done just don’t deserve forgiveness.  But you do deserve it.  You deserve it for all the reasons why everyone else deserves it.  Because there is no healthy way to move forward from hurt and pain or wrong doing until forgiveness is extended.

It’s amazing to me the amount of grace we are willing to extend to other people, yet we aren’t willing to extend it to ourselves.  We don’t like to talk about it in those terms.  So instead we say things like, “I’m just a perfectionist” or “there are just some things I can’t accept from myself, like failure”.  Some of us even wear the term ‘perfectionist’ like a badge of honor, not realizing the perfectionism isn’t possible and only leads to a downward spiral of the psyche and our emotions.

Maybe you’ve made some mistakes.  Maybe people have even been emotionally or physically hurt by your mistakes.  Maybe you meant to or maybe it was completely unintentional.  Maybe you believe that what you’ve done is beyond forgiveness and that you don’t deserve a second chance.  Maybe you’re just becoming aware yourself that you have strong negative feelings toward yourself.  Whatever the case may be, I know a way forward.  Choose to forgive yourself.  You don’t have to feel like it.  You don’t have even have to want to do it.  Simply choose that you’re going to forgive yourself.  And maybe as you choose to forgive yourself over and over again, you’ll one day FEEL like forgiving yourself.  It’s a start down a wonderful path.

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Today I choose to forgive myself for anyone I may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt.  I release myself of any and all anger or disappointment that I have with myself.  I deserve forgiveness.

Surrendering the Outcomes

In May of 2012 I spent 3 days with some of the most incredible people I’ve met.  We gathered in Laguna Beach to meet with a prominent spiritual leader whose teachings have deeply moved and challenged me in my adult life.  The people that gathered were from all walks of life and from various faith backgrounds. What was so incredible about my time with them was the thirst for truth and desire to be stripped of preconceptions and press into reality.  As we gathered to explore life together one of the central teachings was about surrendering the outcomes of the situations of our lives.

What does that mean?  What does that look like?  Why is that important?  When we surrender the outcomes of the things we pour ourselves into we are surrendering the control of everyone else’s response to our giving of our gifts.

There is freedom in surrendering the outcomes.  Because we no longer have to control people’s responses to the way we give ourselves to this world and to others, we become free to love and give with all of who we are.  We don’t feel as if we have to control or manipulate others.  Instead we simply give all that we have in the various ways and endeavors that we choose to give.

It no longer matters if our children grow up and become the people we want them to be and make the choices we want them to make.  We simply give of ourselves with a freedom that allows us to love unconditionally instead of falling to the temptation to control and manipulate.  It no longer matters if our significant other acts or responds in the ways we want them to.  We can know at the end of the day that we gave everything we had, regardless of the outcome.  It no longer matters if the project we’re working on turns out the way we wanted it to.  Instead we can rest at peace when we have finished the project, knowing that we made ourselves available in a manner of giving that before we weren’t free to do.

The problem with hanging on to the control of outcomes is that control is simply an illusion.  If our life situations don’t turn out exactly how we want them to, we easily become disappointed that we didn’t get what we want.  We begin to regret and to grow bitter because people didn’t respond in the manner we thought they ought to.  But with surrendered outcomes, the beauty is in the giving and in living our lives the way we believe is indicative of being true to ourselves.  We can relish in the fact that we laid it all out in a fashion that is true to our convictions.  There is something so incredibly beautiful about living life this way.

For me, this requires a trust and a faith in the Divine, that if I give myself willingly, that God will care for my needs.  But others may not need that.  Either way, at the end of the day, surrendering outcomes leaves us more fulfilled and free of the stuff that can so easily tangle us up and render us bitter and far from our purpose.  And who truly wants that?

What outcomes do you need to surrender so that you will be free to fully give of yourself?

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Today I will surrender the outcomes with a trust that living life from the center of my heart will make this world a better place.  I value what I have to give and I release others from responding in a fashion that makes me feel good about myself.  I will feel good about myself because I’ve given my all for another day and that is enough.

Find Energy to be Yourself

I have learned so much about myself because of listening and opening up to some wonderful people in the last year.  One of those people is the incredible Mastin Kipp, creator of The Daily Love (I fully suggest signing up for his daily emails). A few weeks ago Mastin shared a powerful truth about living life in the light.  This truth is key to having the energy to live each moment being fully present with yourself, the Divine, and others.

“…when you out yourself for who you are, for your mistakes, for your failures, for your feelings, for who you REALLY are - no one can have any power over you… I came to understand that it was through the EXPRESSION and ADMISSION of my truth that I was set free. The truth will set you free and TELLING your truth will set you free.”

Mastin Kipp   Tell on yourself and You’re off the Hook!

Lying and creating a false self takes so much of our energy and what’s worse is that we are usually completely unaware of the amount of energy drained from us because of it. I have spent a large portion of my life wanting to be loved.  I think everyone wants this.  But because of so many insecurities I spent a a large chunk of my time and energy creating a ‘false self’ for every different person I knew in an attempt to be liked by them.

When we are afraid of what someone will think about us, if they find the truth about a particular situation or the truth about our lives, we tend to present something other than the truth.  Something we think they might like.  Then we spend so much energy developing that lie that we block the Divine’s creative energy that wants to flow through us to help us fulfill our purpose in life. ENORMOUS amounts of our energy will be spent trying over and over to project that lie, that false self, in an effort to be liked.  Again, blocking the Divine’s energy in us.

But if we just live in the light, that is to say, if we would just be transparent, allowing people to see who we are, the way we are, and can trust that God will take care of us regardless of what they think, then we could spend our energy on loving those people instead of trying to perpetuate a lie.  Imagine having a reserve of energy to draw from each day because it wasn’t spent on trying to hide your true self from others.

Living in the light allows us to have the energy and the space, in our hearts and in our minds, to be completely present at any given time. Specifically to be completely present to those people with whom we may want to keep the truth from. They need to get the true ‘us’. They need the Divine to be able to flow through us so that it may heal their lives, And quite possibly our own.  ______________________________________________________________________________________

Today I will live in the light, embracing myself as I am and allowing the Divine’s energy to flow through me as I share the real me.  The real me is the only true thing I have to give, and so I am the most valuable gift I have to offer.

The Abundant Truth

I am not finished by any means.  I certainly don’t ‘have it all together’.  I never will.  This is a truth that I have come to not only accept, but embrace.  I am constantly growing.  And one of the truths that I’m growing into presently is that the Divine has abundant resources and wants to supply all of my needs.  I am not the source. Now the jacked up thing about this reality is how much of my life I have lived against this truth.  I have spent so much of my time trying to be the source of my needs.  Trying to provide for myself instead of relying upon The Source for my provision.  I believed for so long that to be a Christian (the Faith I practice) that I have to scrape by or actually just be poor.  How ridiculous is that?  Not only that, I believed that to be a Christian meant that I had to find a way to provide for all of my own needs.  Somewhere in my life I erroneously accepted the thought that relying upon God meant that He would always keep me in a place where I had nothing.  That way I would rely upon Him.  If you don’t realize how jacked up that thought is, you need to pay attention  right now… this is for you!

What if I learned to rely upon God even if I had more than enough of what I needed in my life?  What’s more, what if I learned to trust that God was my only source and supply for anything and everything that ever came into my life?  Emotional stability, finances, creative energy, etc.

God wants me to rely upon God to provide for all of my needs.  God wants me to trust God completely to lead me and direct and guide me into my calling and purpose.  And then I must trust God and God alone to provide for everything that God is calling me to.  I must trust for the direction, the inspired decisions, the finances, and the emotional energy to participate in the things God is calling me to participate in.  Nothing could be more centered and grounded in the scriptures.

And to boot?  I must expect that God will actually provide all of those things which I need.  And why wouldn’t He?  Here is my logic, broken down (because sometimes I need to see things as simply as possible).  If God loves me and created me for a purpose… and if God is calling me to live out that purpose and that plan for me… doesn’t it stand to reason that God not only will, but WANTS to provide everything I could possibly need in order to live out that purpose and that passion?  YES!  IT DOES!

My God will supply all of your needs according to his riches in Glory.  That’s Philippians 4:19.

Have you limited yourself because of wrong belief and thought patterns?  Does God want to free you to trust Him for all that you need?  Let it happen my friend.  Let it go.

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Today I will trust God to be abundant in every single situation.  I will trust that God knows exactly what I need, when I need it and that God will provide exactly what I need when I need it, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.  I will not spend energy worrying or trying to contrive my resources.  I will wait in expectation for my God to supply all of my needs.  I am not the source.