Your Intentional Holiday Season

I'm sitting at the airport on my way to Destin, Florida to spend Thanksgiving with two of my favorite people, my brother-in-law and his wife.  This year will be different than the last decade for me in many respects. For the first time in 10 years I’m single and living in a new city. In the past it would have caused me a lot of fear.  However, it isn't the past and I’m looking forward to the opportunity to create new traditions with my daughters and live a new day. Something else that appears new, at least to me, via social media, is an overwhelming amount of people sharing their thoughts on how I should act this holiday season. It seems every time I check my facebook, tumblr or twitter account, someone has posted another article or blog post telling me the attitude I’m supposed to have and the choices I’m supposed to make in order to engage the season the ‘right’ way. Don’t shop on Black Friday. Do shop on Black Friday. Don’t shop on Christmas day. Do shop on Christmas day. Affirm the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Don’t spend it with your family. Only spend it with your family. And so on and so forth. Have you seen this abundance of judgement? Am I the only one?

I am all for people having their opinions. I believe in sharing opinions too. That’s obviously what I’m doing right now in this piece. The problem I do have is when people can only see things from one side of a story… theirs. When someone tells us not to shop on Thanksgiving day so as to not pay into the ‘consumerist’ mentality, they may not realize that Thanksgiving day is the only day some hardworking people will have free to actually shop for Christmas presents. When they tell us not to go to a restaurant on Christmas day because no one should be forced to work and be away from their family on that day, they aren’t taking into account the many hardworking people who need that shift in order to make ends meet this month. When someone tells you to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, they actually mean, their belief in the true meaning of Christmas, not necessarily your belief.

I get it. When you’re sharing your opinion, or social sharing someone else’s, you have to use strong language and make anyone who disagrees with you to look somewhat monstrous. Rarely have I found these people who are being condemned to actually be monstrous though. I’m not saying there isn’t some truth, or a lot of truth, in what is being shared. But we don’t need to own the shame that is often attached to the one-sided story being told.

Instead of feeling bad every time you read about how awful your holiday traditions are being made out to be, take a moment to reflect. Sit down with those whom you share your holiday season with and have some conversations about what you collectively think of your traditions. Don’t be afraid to be introspective together and to question what you’ve been doing for the past few years. Don’t be afraid to let go of some traditions that your family (whatever your family looks like) decides maybe doesn’t reflect your values. Don’t be afraid to let go of some traditions simply because you and the people you spend the holidays with simply don’t like the activity, or it’s lost it’s mojo. But also, don’t be afraid to continue on with your traditions just because someone with a popular voice condemns that tradition. Finally, don’t be afraid to make some new choices. Traditions all start somewhere.

So as soon as you’re done reading this and you come across the next shared post about how bad ___________________ is during the holiday season, take it with a grain of salt. The holidays are a perfect time to start being intentional… together. _____________________________________________________________________________ "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it." - James Truslow Adams

The Incessant Voice of Your Mind

“What did he mean when he said ‘you look tired’? Maybe I am tired. Maybe he just meant that I’m ugly but was afraid to say that. I don’t think I’m that ugly. Maybe I should think I’m ugly. I’m better looking than he is, so why would he say that? Stop thinking this way. It will only make me feel bad. I always go there, to the negative right away. Why do I always do that? Maybe I just need to sleep more. I’ve always known that I need to sleep more. I should have made it a higher priority before now. Why don’t I go ahead and take a nap right now? I’m too busy to take a nap right now. I don’t even have time to be thinking about all of this stuff anyway.” How often have you had a conversation like this? The voice within your mind is always there isn’t it? Always having a conversation and always trying to make sense of the world around us and filter things in a way that makes us a bit more comfortable with reality.

And that voice is always speaking. It even changes sides of an argument within a few minutes. It won’t shut up. The voice just drones on and on and on. You don’t think so? Then try this exercise. Sit for 3 minutes and try to think of nothing. Within moments the voice will show up. “Why are you doing this? Why are you even reading this stuff? This is a waste of time.” Or… “This is good. This is exactly what you needed. You needed to clear your thoughts for a few moments.”

So tell me this. Which of these voices are you? Are you the voice that thinks this is a silly exercise? Or are you the voice that thinks this is just what you needed?

The answer is that you are neither. You are not the voice in your mind. You are the one who observes the voice. You are the one who, if you allow yourself, sits back and relaxes and just listens to what the voice has to say without attaching yourself emotionally to it. Michael Singer puts it this way, “Suppose you were looking at three objects – a flowerpot, a photograph, and a book – and were then asked, ‘Which of these objects is you?’ You’d say, ‘None of them! I’m the one who’s looking at what you’re putting in front of me. It doesn’t matter what you put in front of me, it’s always going to be me looking at it.’ You see, it’s an act of a subject perceiving various objects. This is also true of hearing the voice inside. It doesn’t make any difference what it’s saying, you are the one who is aware of it.”

This is essential to growth, to realize that you are not the voice of the mind, you are the one who observes and hears that voice. If you don’t understand this, you will find yourself in endless conversations in your mind with people who have upset you, over and over again. Anytime you hear that voice and it makes you feel uncomfortable, you won’t be able to rest until you spend your energy analyzing, over analyzing, and dove-tailing the conversation in your head until you’re too exhausted to go on. But it won’t end the voice. The voice always has something to say because the voice’s job is to try to make you somehow more comfortable with the world outside of you.

So what can you do? Try this. Next time something happens in your life that you didn’t expect or didn’t want and the voice begins to try to make sense of it all and begins talking incessantly, instead of engaging in the conversation in your mind, sit back and listen. That’s it. Don’t become attached emotionally to anything the voice is saying. What you will find is that eventually the voice will fade away, just by observing it. Because in observing it, you will realize that you are not the voice, you are the one listening. And the truth is, when the voice can no longer work to make you more comfortable, it will cease to speak… for the time being. At that point, you will not have spent your energy being caught in a conversation in your mind. Instead you can begin asking uninterrupted questions. “What is it that just happened (whatever caused the initial conversation to start) and why does it truly disturb me? What is it that I’m really bothered by? Is the true problem that this person is asking a favor of me? Or is it that I often don’t think I have what it takes to really help people.”

Once the voice subsides, you have the freedom to ask questions that will help you get to what is truly bothering you. And once you know what is at the heart of the matter, you can deal with it appropriately. Also, you will find that if you practice this, over time, you will become much more aware of who you are and what you truly want in life. Give it a shot? What do you have to lose other than the constant chatter of the voice in your mind?

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“Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked.” ― Oliver W. Holmes, Sr.

“The voice in her head told her not to trust him. But then, the voice in her head didn't trust anyone.” ― C.J. Daugherty

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” ― Mother Teresa

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Are You Beautiful?

Within the music industry there have been a few songs that have been released recently with the same theme. It goes something like this… “This girl, that I think is beautiful, is beautiful because she has no idea that she is so. She doesn’t recognize her own beauty… and that is why she is beautiful.” I get the sentiment. There is something whole and pure about not being arrogant about one’s outward appearance. That being said, I couldn’t disagree with these songs more. Women aren’t beautiful because of their ignorance. That’s not what makes them beautiful. If you have a woman's heart and you’re reading this, you need to know this. You’re beautiful because of the way your particular smile curves on your face. You’re beautiful because of the depth in your eyes. You’re beautiful because of the shape of your cheek bones and the way your hair falls around your face or the way your neck runs from your shoulders .

You’re beautiful because of the way your heart moves for others. You’re beautiful because of the depth of your love for your children. You’re beautiful because of the way you choose your words. You’re beautiful because you were created uniquely with great care. Speaking for myself, there are too many ways that you are beautiful to actually put into words.

Does everyone think you’re beautiful? No. Should they? Yes. If you have a woman’s heart and you’re reading this, there is a good chance that you are fighting these words with every ounce of your being. You may be thinking, “well Brad is right when it comes to other women, but this is not true about me.” YES IT IS! I’m writing to you!

“But Brad, I don’t want to be one of those women who comes across as arrogant and full of themselves.” Then don’t. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging your beauty. In fact, embracing your beauty is one of the sexiest, most attractive things you can do. It is whole and holy. Sacred. Just because you acknowledge your beauty does not mean you need to use it to manipulate the world around you. Just because you recognize that you’re gorgeous does not mean that you must use that to gain favor.

Not knowing you’re beautiful IS NOT what makes you beautiful, contrary to what recent pop and country songs have told you. You just are beautiful. Deal with it.

This is one of the most difficult pieces I’ve ever written. Not because the content is complex or complicated. It’s not. It’s just that there are so many more things that could be said at this point. So many ways that one could go with this subject to help alleviate the anxiety and confusion that can often accompany this topic. “I don’t really believe I’m beautiful.” “I don’t know how to accept my beauty.” “I can’t stop comparing myself to other women.” “I don’t want to focus too much on my looks.” “I long to hear my dad say it.” “I just want to have my husband say it.” “What does my beauty affect?” “How does it affect?” “What good is beauty anyway?” “Isn’t beauty just superficial?” “How beautiful am I?” “But I just can’t stand how my _________ looks.”

And I could go on and on. But I’m going to end with this…

Acknowledge your beauty. Embrace it. Sit with it. Sit with it for a long time. Stop what you’re doing right now and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Even if you don’t believe it. Say it. Don’t ask someone else their opinion. If you don’t believe it yourself you won’t believe them anyway. Just tell yourself you’re beautiful. Do it now. Because you are. And you NEED to embrace this. The world needs your beauty and we need you to know it. You’re beautiful.

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“When you’re different, I think that’s beautiful. If you’re operating on nothing but who you are really, that always looks good.” ~ Macy Gray

“Define your own beauty… Rejoice in the fact that there is no E=mc² formula for beauty.” ~ Jenyne M. Raines

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

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