The Privilege of Cohorts

Last week we talked about those times when our growth means that we have to let go of certain people.  Not because we don’t care about them, but because they’ve chosen to stay put… stagnant.  Our action was a reflection, for them, of their inaction and they continued to act out against our better choices. But the other side of that coin is remarkable.  Your choice to move forward and grow will attract like-willed people.  When you endeavor and dare to live an extraordinary life, people of higher caliber who are seeking the same will suddenly show up beside you.  It's amazing to have friends walking next to you on an extraordinary path, parallel to yours, because they’ve chosen to answer their own life’s calling. This is a necessary component to your growth and you won’t have to look that hard to find these people.  This is because people who dare to do great things with their life recognize that quality within others.  You’re at a conference and you can see it shining within the eye of a passing stranger.  You hear it in their tone of voice when they are giving a presentation or simply talking about a project over dinner and drinks.  You sense it in the way they treat those around them, particularly the way they treat the waiter, bartender and the young lady behind the airline ticket counter.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to these people, they want you to!  They want to have the same type of connection and support that you crave.  Imagine having a cohort or three that you know you can call when you get ‘stuck’ in the creative process.  Someone or ‘some-ones’ (yes I make up words, go with it) who understand what it’s like to encounter resistance on a particular project and understand without you even having to explain.  Yet they’ll force you to express your frustrations because they know that when you get that ‘stuff’ out in the open it will no longer own you.

These remarkable people are trustworthy.  They value you and your mission and purpose in life.  They know that you have great intentions, but they care too much to stand by and say or do nothing when its obvious that you’ve been stuck in a rut and dealing with something that seems to be holding you back.  These are the people that are aware of their own shame and welcome you to share yours because they know that nothing works better against the grip of shame than bringing light to it.  They won’t talk to you condescendingly and they can keep a tight lip because they have experienced that themselves and know how carefully what you share needs to be held.

One of the coolest aspects of having cohorts in your life is that when they share their passion and describe a project and their process it will inevitably stir something within you in regards to something you’re working on.  The two projects may not even be related in the least, but your hearts for creativity most certainly are alike.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to a cohort share about a project so completely unrelated to my life and yet standing next to their fire somehow sparks were ignited within me.

When you do find yourself journeying next to these people, give freely.  What you give to them without emotional, financial or spiritual strings attached will return to you with the same intensity with which you gave it.

So how exactly do you ‘reach out’ to these people?  Keep doing what you’re doing, but lift your head up from time to time and take a look around you to see who else is moving in the same direction.  Then summon the courage to ask a simple question.  “I’m interested in what you’re working on these days, would you take a moment to share your experience with me?”  If they say no, don’t take it personally, because it isn’t personal.  Just try it again… and again… and again until someone bursts at the seams in response.  Trust me, people love to talk about their passions and processes.  Brene Brown says, “One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on ‘going it alone.’ Somehow we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone.” No one cares if you made it on your own.  Because those who have had a moderate amount of success are already aware that it isn't possible alone. It doesn't work that way.

Someday you may find that a cohort’s passions and yours intersect on a particular project.  Should that be the case, you will find that you are one of the most blessed people on the planet.  When that wave comes along you just may have one of the most enjoyable experiences of your creative life.  Ride that wave for all it’s worth.

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"My friends have made the story of my life.  In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges and enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow cast by my desperation." - Helen Keller

"When a match has equal partners then I fear not." - Aeschylus

"I love acting with kids, cause they're great acting partners. They're totally present. Even when they're acting, they're still available and you can crack them up or something weird will happen and they'll go with it." - Mark Ruffalo

The Power of a Question

There are questions that we can ask that change everything. The power of a good question can cause exponential growth for you. Emotionally and mentally healthy people are always asking the right questions and those questions lead them somewhere wonderful. The right questions can kick-start your brain to begin to find the right solutions. They can be a great method to bring meaning to any circumstance of your life.

I believe there are three crucial questions that you can ask that will not only change your life but bring deep meaning to some difficult and painful circumstances.

The first question is, “How might the divine already be at work in my circumstance?” This question comes with the assumption that God is already involved and at work in your life whether you see it or not. It opens our eyes to the greatness involved in your painful situation. The second question is similar,  “What about this situation is not yet whole?”  This question assumes that The Divine wants to make all things whole, including us, and would like to partner with us in our lives to bring that about.  When we ask this question our brain begins to look for ways that we can answer the question “how can I be more whole?” The third question is, “What am I willing to do now to partner with The Divine in order to transform my situation?” or “What am I willing to do right now to move forward in a healthy manner?”  This question causes our brain to search for solutions and acknowledges that there IS a way forward and we do have control over our inner lives.

Let's take rejection for example.  In fact let's go right for the jugular and talk specifically about romantic rejection.  Someone that you really like, or even love,  has possibly rejected you. Initially it's impossible not to take this rejection personally. Because if they are rejecting you it’s almost like they are saying that you were not good enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough for them. This can immediately lead us to asking the question "what is wrong with me "?  If that's the question that you're asking, your brain will immediately begin to try to find an answer. And it will find many answers my friend. I believe that once you ask your yourself a question, your mind will begin searching for possible answers.  They may not even be the right answers, but your mind will continue on trying to answer that question for days, months, or even years.

You can see how destructive this can be and how important it is ask the right questions. So let's apply our three questions to the life circumstance of being rejected romantically.

How is the divine already at work here and what is the good in this situation?  Possible answers:

1.  I can now see some areas that this relationship needed work and will use this information for future relationships.

2.  There may be an even more fulfilling healthy relationship for me in the future.

3.  Pain and frustration always precede incredible growth and I have that growth to look forward to.

What about this situation is not yet whole?  Possible answers:

1.  I can see through this rejection that I have not yet fully loved and accepted myself for who I am and I have the perfect opportunity to be comfortable in that area of my life.

2.  I can clearly see ways in which I participated in the dissolving of this relationship and can choose to be mindful of those things in my next relationship.

3.  I now realize how valuable this person is to me and will do everything I can to try to win them back without compromising myself.

What am that I'm willing to to do right now in order to partner with God transformation this situation?  Possible answers:

1.  Surrender the outcome completely and trust in the divine.

2.  Work on those areas in my life that I know will make me a better person.

3.  Begin to forgive this person.

4.  Communicate with them how I truly feel.

There is no limit to the amount of good questions you can come up  and they can be applied to any situation.

With these questions you can empower and enable yourself to be open to change and open to new meaning In your life. These questions help your brain to work for you instead of against you. And these questions can bring a deeper meaning to any circumstance.  Happiness is nice and well. But meaning and purpose have much more weight and brings holistic fulfillment to your life.

So what is bothering you today?  Before you go any further, find two things in your life that you’ve been struggling with lately.  Then, identify the damaging questions you may have been asking and replace them with these three questions.  Don’t wait.  Do this now and watch the power of these questions change your life and make it more meaningful.

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"The art and science of asking questions is the source of all knowledge." - Thomas Berg

"I love the early process of asking questions about a story and deciding which questions matter most." - Diane Sawyer

"You don't want a million answers as much as you want a few forever questions. The questions are diamonds you hold in the light. Study a lifetime and you see different colours from the same jewel. The same questions, asked again, bring you just the answers you need just the minute you need them." - Richard Bach

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Your Intentional Holiday Season

I'm sitting at the airport on my way to Destin, Florida to spend Thanksgiving with two of my favorite people, my brother-in-law and his wife.  This year will be different than the last decade for me in many respects. For the first time in 10 years I’m single and living in a new city. In the past it would have caused me a lot of fear.  However, it isn't the past and I’m looking forward to the opportunity to create new traditions with my daughters and live a new day. Something else that appears new, at least to me, via social media, is an overwhelming amount of people sharing their thoughts on how I should act this holiday season. It seems every time I check my facebook, tumblr or twitter account, someone has posted another article or blog post telling me the attitude I’m supposed to have and the choices I’m supposed to make in order to engage the season the ‘right’ way. Don’t shop on Black Friday. Do shop on Black Friday. Don’t shop on Christmas day. Do shop on Christmas day. Affirm the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Don’t spend it with your family. Only spend it with your family. And so on and so forth. Have you seen this abundance of judgement? Am I the only one?

I am all for people having their opinions. I believe in sharing opinions too. That’s obviously what I’m doing right now in this piece. The problem I do have is when people can only see things from one side of a story… theirs. When someone tells us not to shop on Thanksgiving day so as to not pay into the ‘consumerist’ mentality, they may not realize that Thanksgiving day is the only day some hardworking people will have free to actually shop for Christmas presents. When they tell us not to go to a restaurant on Christmas day because no one should be forced to work and be away from their family on that day, they aren’t taking into account the many hardworking people who need that shift in order to make ends meet this month. When someone tells you to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, they actually mean, their belief in the true meaning of Christmas, not necessarily your belief.

I get it. When you’re sharing your opinion, or social sharing someone else’s, you have to use strong language and make anyone who disagrees with you to look somewhat monstrous. Rarely have I found these people who are being condemned to actually be monstrous though. I’m not saying there isn’t some truth, or a lot of truth, in what is being shared. But we don’t need to own the shame that is often attached to the one-sided story being told.

Instead of feeling bad every time you read about how awful your holiday traditions are being made out to be, take a moment to reflect. Sit down with those whom you share your holiday season with and have some conversations about what you collectively think of your traditions. Don’t be afraid to be introspective together and to question what you’ve been doing for the past few years. Don’t be afraid to let go of some traditions that your family (whatever your family looks like) decides maybe doesn’t reflect your values. Don’t be afraid to let go of some traditions simply because you and the people you spend the holidays with simply don’t like the activity, or it’s lost it’s mojo. But also, don’t be afraid to continue on with your traditions just because someone with a popular voice condemns that tradition. Finally, don’t be afraid to make some new choices. Traditions all start somewhere.

So as soon as you’re done reading this and you come across the next shared post about how bad ___________________ is during the holiday season, take it with a grain of salt. The holidays are a perfect time to start being intentional… together. _____________________________________________________________________________ "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it." - James Truslow Adams

Being a 'Perfectionist' never leads to Freedom

People wear the badge of ‘perfectionist’ with pride. They believe that if they call themselves a perfectionist they have already attained a sense of worth. This is crap thinking. Just plain crap. The only thing being a perfectionist will guarantee you is that you will never have the kind of freedom you want and you will be stuck with a tremendous amount of shame. Every perfectionist that I’ve worked with has wanted to attain a certain amount of freedom. Financial freedom. Freedom from the expectations of others. Freedom to travel. Freedom from their scheduling. Freedom from _________. Freedom has actually been a goal for these people. The irony here is that they have chosen perfectionism as a path to freedom. You cannot get to freedom by trying to be perfect. It’s like trying to hate your way to love. Or like trying to mitigate your way to success. It just can’t be done.

Where does the shame come in? Well first of all, can we all just admit there is no such thing as perfection, in the traditional sense? No one is perfect. No one can be perfect. Aiming for perfection so that you might land on something good is also a trap. In trying to be perfect we say no to a ton of opportunities because all the stars aren’t ‘aligned’ perfectly. And when we do say yes to a few opportunities we end up disappointed that things didn’t turn out ‘perfectly’. At that point we find ourselves holding a bag full of shame for how we failed in this way or that.

The real kicker is that calling yourself a perfectionist brings about a certain sense of pride because we get to project a certain persona of elitism. “I want to do things perfectly because that’s what I demand of myself. I have high standards.” But you can have high standards and not be a perfectionist. This false sense of pride allows you to be ok with never accomplishing what you want because you can always throw out your project and declare… “It just wasn’t perfect.” Being a perfectionist affords the perfect opportunity to make excuses and partner with resistance without being aware of it.

Perfection NEVER equals freedom.

But if your intention is truly to experience freedom, why not substitute the word ‘adventure’ for ‘perfection’? Adventure certainly leads to freedom. Adventure allows you to take calculated risks. And while these risks are loaded with the potential to make mistakes or even fail, it’s totally acceptable because some of our most adventurous moments come from failures. Not the kind that end our lives, but the kind of failures that allow us to learn incredible lessons and move beyond our comfort zones. When you aren’t afraid to make mistakes you not only find yourself ready to move forward in a project with more boldness and zeal, you will also find yourself succeeding where you thought it wasn’t previously possible.

Substituting adventure for perfection allows you to take a risk. And the only way to really succeed is to find a way to become comfortable with risk.

Substituting adventure for perfection will release you from the paralysis that comes from over-analyzing every single decision. If you’re an over-analyzer, and you find yourself in the paralysis trap often, I can almost guarantee that you consider yourself a perfectionist.

Substituting adventure for perfection will immediately help you to live into the feeling of freedom. Why? Because you will actually be free from the shame, second guessing, and potential excuses that might have previously been created.

So let me ask you. What sounds better to you? What sounds like more fun? What sounds like a healthier way to live your life? Being an adventurer, or being a perfectionist. If you still think being a perfectionist is a badge of honor, maybe you need to find a new stylist. Choose adventure. It makes for a much better story.

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"Jazz stands for freedom. It's supposed to be the voice of freedom: Get out there and improvise, and take chances, and don't be a perfectionist - leave that to the classical musicians." - Dave Brubeck

"It's a way of thinking that says this: 'If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, I can avoid or minimize criticism, blame and ridicule... All perfectionism is, is the 20-ton shield that we carry around hoping that it will keep us from being hurt." - Brene Brown

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a (crappy) first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it." - Anne Lamott

Your Next Moment...

Another moment just passed.  Wait for it… there went another moment.  It’s amazing to me how that works.  What took place in that second moment was not determined by the first one.  And the next moment that will come is not necessarily determined by this exact moment, unless we let it be. Bad habits and habitual destructive behavior suck on many levels.  It’s not just that the bad habit or continued destructive behavior has negative effects on our bodies, minds, hearts and souls.  It goes beyond that.  Sometimes the worst part is how repeated destructive behaviors trigger something in us that tends to cause massive amounts of shame.

I struggle with exercising on a regular basis.  I often make unhealthy choices when it comes to eating, exercise, and restful sleep.  But what happens is as soon as I make an unhealthy choice,  let’s say something as simple as eating a donut, I almost immediately begin to feel shame for eating that donut.  But that shame doesn’t motivate me to make a healthy choice the next time.  That shame makes me feel worse about myself, if I let it, and I begin to devalue myself even more.  “I don’t deserve to have good health.”  That’s the shame tape that plays in my mind.  And if I feel like I don’t deserve to have good health because of my poor eating habits, I am even less motivated to  make a beneficial decision in the future.  Mostly because I now value myself less.  It doesn't matter what the destructive behavior is... substance abuse, relational dysfunction, self mutilation, poor eating habits, lack of exercise, self hatred, selfish behavior, ____________.  If it isn't an act of love and value for yourself and others, it is most likely a destructive act and will bring shame like an avalanche.

Shame is a disgusting and cruel enemy.  Shame will never motivate you to care for yourself.  Shame will cause you to hide and most of the time will drive you to embrace another self-destructive behavior.

But if I truly believe that I deserve to be healthy… if I truly care for myself and value myself, I have so much more motivation to choose caring acts for myself.

There is freedom.  That freedom can often be found in some simple realizations.  Here is one of those realizations and an axiom that I live by.

“No matter how many poor and self-destructive decisions I’ve made before this moment, I have the ability to make my next decision a great one.”

There it is.  No matter how many times you’ve chosen poorly, your next choice can be for good.  It is irrelevant if in the last moment you engaged your ‘stuff’ and embraced the destructive in shame… the next moment in time holds the opportunity for a choice that adds value to you and those around you.

It doesn’t matter if you chose poorly for 5 days or 5 years in a row.  That does not determine your next choice.  You determine your next choice.  YOU DO.  No power or entity determines that for you.  With this realization you can find the freedom to choose well.

So what will you do with this next undetermined moment?

The Pleasure and the Pain

There is so much to be said and written about concerning having the courage to be honest with ourselves.  Navigating the path of being present with our own feelings and owning them.  There is so much more to be explored on the topic of staring fear and pain directly in the eye of our own soul and not flinching or closing off to it.  For some this is much easier than for others.  Some of us have been formed and trained from the time we were tiny babies to face reality and to be present with all emotions.  But most of us, if we are honest, would rather not face our fears and pain head on. We have learned over time to close ourselves off from pain and fear.  We text, we skype, we chat, we drink, we smoke, we enter relationships, we exit relationships, we shop, we consume, we eat, we facebook, we do anything we can do in order to stop feeling pain as soon as we recognize it in our life (yes I recognize a run-on sentence when I see one too).  This is what addiction is all about.  Avoiding pain and fear.  Unfortunately, when we minimize the pain in our lives we also minimize the joy and elation as well.  As researcher Brene Brown has so eloquently and poignantly expressed in ‘The Gift of Imperfection’, we cannot mitigate some emotions and stay open to others.  We are either suppressing all of our emotions/feelings or we are embracing all of emotions/feelings.

It is not possible to hide from pain and fear and yet at the same time embrace Joy and Love.  It cannot be done because it doesn’t work that way.  If we want to be filled with Joy and Love, we must be willing to go to our pain and to our fears.  We must beg for the courage to look our pains and fears directly in the eye and not blink.  We must be willing to sit with that pain and fear and grow comfortable with it.

This is not easy.  If you try this and you aren’t used to it, you will quickly feel overwhelmed and have the sensation of a hot white fire rising up deep from within your chest.  You will probably believe that you’re going to have a meltdown.  Maybe you should back off at that point… just for a little while.  Maybe you need to find a good friend or professional to help you through this process.  But we must return to those things that we have shut ourselves off from for so long or they will forever be embedded in us.  We’ll wonder why we do the things that we don’t want to do.  Why we hurt the people we don’t want to hurt.

Acknowledging our pain, sitting with it, and then working through and past the pain is the only way to move forward.  And if this thought makes you sick to your stomach or seems ridiculous to you… you probably have some pain to acknowledge.

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“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

Brene Brown

"Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy--the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

Brene Brown

Now is the time for this lesson

I have spent a good portion of my life trying to control the world around me in order for me to feel better about myself and safe and secure.  The problem with living my life that way is that I spent so much energy trying to control the ‘world’ around me that I didn’t have the energy to actually enjoy and live my life.  I had set the conditions of my life so that I could only be happy if certain things in my life were a certain way.  This meant I spent my energy trying to control friends, co-workers, strangers, housing, family, environment, food, etc. (like I said, pretty much anything in the world around me).  What I have recently learned is that if I let go of trying to control the comfort level of my life and trust that the Divine will provide what I need, I have a vast amount of energy because I’m not spending it trying to re-arrange the world!  As I look back, I believe God has been trying to teach this lesson of trust and letting go for many years now. As I recognize that the Divine has been trying to teach me this for years, it is easy for me to begin to feel shame and regret for not learning this lesson earlier.  I can easily get down on myself for not being smart enough or disciplined enough or aware enough or ______________ enough.  You fill in the blank, I’m sure you’re as adept at criticizing yourself as I am at myself.

But this is the beauty of lessons the Divine is trying to teach us and wants us to learn.  It doesn’t matter if this is the first time you’ve come across the lesson (the one the God has for you) or if you have come across it 1,000 times… now is the time to receive it.  It is here before you now so that you can learn from the lesson and grow.

Sometimes we learn these lessons only to realize that we already knew this, deep within ourselves.  We say, “oh yeah, I knew that.  I can’t believe I forgot such a valuable principle.”  It’s like finding an old toy in the attic and remembering how fond of it you were and its new all over again with that same sense of awe and fascination.  Or, we learn the lesson and it blows our mind and we wonder, how have I never been confronted with this truth before?  How has this never been revealed to me until now?

But whatever the circumstance, don’t play the shame game.  Don’t regret that you haven’t learned it before.  Just remember that the only truly important thing about the lesson is that regardless of how many times its been laid before you, now is the time to pick it up.  Now is the time to learn the lesson.

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What are the lessons before you these days?  What is the Divine bringing up within your heart?  What life experiences have brought you to this place at this time to learn this lesson?