Power and Motivation for Change

The health of your habits will be in direct proportion to the amount with which you love and value yourself. What? Ok, let me put it this way. The more you love and value yourself, the healthier your habits will be. This seems like a simple concept right? A no brainer. The more I care about myself, the more I will want to actively care for myself. And yet how many of us have habits that we know aren’t healthy and wish we could change, but we feel powerless to do so? This is true at every level. Some of us have paralyzing addictions that keep us from having any sense of clarity and tend to compound poor choices upon more poor choices. We don’t love or value ourselves much, so we don’t put an end to the self-destructive behaviors that we engage. These behaviors are what we are comfortable with and we aren’t sure how to cope in any other fashion. Breaking the gravitational pull of these habits can only be done when we determine that we are more valuable than we previously thought.

And then there are other, more subversive unhealthy habits that we may have formed. Co-dependence, emotional soothing eating patterns, working all the time, searching for validation through social media, and lack of exercising, to name a few. What are some of the habits that you wish you could change? That you feel you really want to change, but haven’t succeeded yet.

I used to think that it was a matter of just really wanting the new habit or really wanting to get rid of the old habit. But habits are simply a by-product of how we view ourselves. You can’t ‘make’ yourself ‘want’ something more than you do. But you can choose to love and value yourself. The more you love and value yourself, the more your ‘want’ for caring for yourself will grow. Love for yourself will break the gravitational pull of any unhealthy habit and will automatically replace the poor habits with healthy ones.

In the past I’ve tried to shame or fear myself into changing the way I lived my life. I need to exercise more. I need to stop smoking. I need to eat better. I need to get more sleep… and so on and so forth. I would literally try to do mental gymnastics to convince myself and attempt to motivate myself to make changes. But the reality is, I was only going to make the changes that I felt I deserved. I was only going to live the life that I valued.

The real kicker is that loving and valuing ourselves is a choice. We can decide to love ourselves. We can determine that we are worth it. It isn’t a matter of convincing ourselves as much as it is a matter of believing the truth that we have value. That we are worth being loved. Making a choice is a powerful thing. To agree on a daily basis that you are worth it, that you do love yourself, will have ramifications that will reach your children's children. And then actually making choices to actively love yourself and value yourself. Instead of playing mental gymnastics, you can put your energy towards making decisions to care for yourself.

Not long ago, these concepts were completely foreign to me and seemed too ‘self-helpy’ or too ‘Stuart Smiley-ish’. But with some age, and a little bit of maturity, I began to realize that there is nothing as valuable as caring for, loving, and valuing myself. In loving myself I’m becoming a better person. In becoming a better person, I make everyone’s life around me better. I'm absolutely still learning how to value myself and love myself. But I'm finding the more I do, the better my choices and habits become.

So how about it? Are you stuck in some unhealthy patterns? Do you beat yourself up for not being the kind of person you ‘want’ to be or think you should be? Why not simply make the decision to determine that you are valuable and choose to love yourself? I dare you to say it out loud with conviction. No seriously, I double dog dare you.

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“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” ~C. Joybell C.

“You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, 'I release the need for this in my life'." ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

"I think the most important thing in life is self-love, because if you don't have self-love, and respect for everything about your own body, your own soul, your own capsule, then how can you have an authentic relationship with anyone else?" ~Shailene Woodley

The Power of an Agreement

The power of an agreement is extensive. An agreement is a statement that was told to you at some point in your life, probably early on, that you eventually agreed with. It could be positive or negative. But the power lies in agreeing with the statement. For example, I have a friend who at 12 years old had her mother tell her that the shorts she was wearing didn’t agree with the size of her thighs. It went something like, “oh honey, your thighs are too big to wear shorts like that.” What a terrible thing for a mother to tell her daughter. But the long term, extensive reach of that statement happened when my friend agreed with her mom. For years she didn’t wear shorts… ever. The internal dialogue went something like this… “my thighs are big and out of proportion. I don’t look good in shorts. I shouldn’t wear shorts anymore.” And the agreement was born. And you can see how powerful it is.

This is one example of millions of agreements that are made. Some statements are subtle… “you don’t know how to tell a joke”. “You are a bad driver.” “Your arms are a little flabby”. “You’re not smart enough to be a doctor”.

And some statements are just brutal… “You’ll never amount to anything”. “You’re just like your father”. “You’re an idiot”. “Playing an instrument is for pansies”. “You’re ugly”.

These are just statements from people who have issues of their own obviously. The real power happens when we internalize the statement and turn it into an agreement. “He’s right, I am ugly”. “She’s right, I’m not really that smart”. And so we set our lives on a course in believing the lies that we are told. And it affects us every single day of our lives.

I grew up wanting to be a rock star. I would stand in front of my mirror at home as a child and sing for hours, pretending to rock a stadium full of fans. When I was in 6th grade I had a music teacher who was mean, abusive, and just plain old crochety. She told all of us over and over again that our voices were horrible, often times yelling at us for not hitting the right notes. I don’t know about everyone else, but I immediately began to believe her. I never joined chorus again and stopped singing in public for the most part. It took me years to break that agreement. I’ve been singing with a band every week for about 10 years on and off and it wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I broke that agreement.

Agreements are powerful and we all make them. The beauty of agreements though, is that they are completely subjective. You can break a negative agreement and turn it into a positive one. It’s as simple as that. Now it isn’t necessarily as easy as that. But like everything else, it starts with an intentional decision. “I’m not ugly. I am a beautiful child of God”. “I’m not just like my father. I’m my own man now”. “I’m not a silly blonde. I’m a creative, resourceful, intelligent woman”.

It’s powerful and the choice is all yours. What agreements have you made that are guiding and directing you in a negative way? What new agreements can you make that could open up new avenues of creativity and enjoyment for you? Make an intentional choice and see what happens.

Who Believes in you the Most?

You have to be the one who believes in you the most. That may not be where you are today. And if it isn't, don’t beat yourself up. That’s not how you get to where you want to go. If that’s what you do you only end up beaten, bruised, bloody and scarred by yourself, lying on the side of the road that you were so sure you wanted to travel on. However, if you don’t believe in yourself, why should anyone else? Do you wrestle with wondering if you’re worth it? Do you value yourself? Do you know how to actively love yourself? Stop right now and write down 10 ways you could actively value and love yourself this week. Starting with 1 way in the next 10 minutes. Maybe the first one is as simple as getting a cup of coffee and taking 5 minutes to be grateful today. That’s a very loving action towards yourself. Maybe one of them is as complex as learning to let go of the disappointment you have with yourself over previous failures.

But if you’re going to live a full and meaningful life, you are going to have to believe in yourself more than anyone you know. Believing in your self will add a multitude of self-support, confidence, direction, peace of mind, and faith. That’s right, faith. Believing in ourselves, loving ourselves and valuing ourselves will do more to strengthen our faith than just about anything else.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to belong. You deserve to invest in your self so that you can grow in the ways you need to so that you may turn around and help the people next to you.

But if you don’t believe in yourself, then you will have a difficult time TRULY believing in others. If you don’t believe in yourself then you will never finish what you start. You won’t pursue your dreams. You won’t live the life you were truly meant to live. And you can live the life you were truly meant to live.

You aren’t an accident. You are on purpose. And you have a purpose.

So stop looking around, hoping you’ll find someone who will believe in you. You start believing in you. It can be as simple as making the choice… “I will believe in myself, somehow, some way.” It also can be as simple as a prayer… “Please help me to believe in myself more.” Intentional choices and intentional prayers. Now that’s a great way forward in life.

Is there something new that you've been wanting to start? Have you been dabbling in a new hobby or contemplating a new career? Have you wanted to begin to relate to others or yourself in new ways? Do you feel like your faking it most of the time, just waiting for someone to discover you're a fraud? Stop dabbling and start believing in yourself. Determine that you are going to make it.

Have you made your list yet of how you can love yourself this week? If you breezed by that, stop… DO IT NOW. Then, make that choice and say that prayer.

Now, move forward, beginning to believe in yourself more and actively pursuing those things on your list.

Use Fear as your Compass

“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.” - Steven Pressfield. I’ve found this to be as true as anything in my life. Fear can be one of our truest compasses. That thing that makes us most uncomfortable, often times, is the thing we may need to run towards and embrace.

When was the last time doing the comfortable thing inspired anyone?

Comfortable is good for times of rest. And some of us desperately need some rest. But comfort is only meant for a little while, from time to time. Then we must look again to what scares us and head directly towards it.

Some will tell you that you should rid yourself of all fear. I think that is a sure way to repress your true feelings. Others will tell you to use fear as a motivation. It is a powerful motivation, sure enough. But I would rather use fear as a compass.

It scares you to death to leave your current profession and pursue your heart’s calling? That’s a sure sign that that is the direction for you. It makes your heart race and paralyzes you to even consider sharing your darkest secret with a trusted friend? You can know that that is the way to freedom. The thought of speaking up and telling those in authority over you that you disagree with them causes you to panic? It’s probably time to exercise your vocal chords. And so on, and so forth.

I don’t think its really a question of how much courage do you have to face your fears or to allow yourself to be uncomfortable. I think its more a question of, “how bad do you want to live a full and meaningful life?” If the desire for a full and meaning is there and if it runs deep, then chances are you won’t allow your fears to keep you at bay.

Instead you’ll use what scares you as a compass and know with certainty the directions you need to pursue. So how bad do you want it? What is it worth to you to live a full and meaningful life?

For a long time I’ve known that one of my next steps is to take on more clients as a mentor. I have all kinds of doubts and fears about that. Do I know enough? Can I sustain that kind of career long term? Do I want to leave the comfort of a steady paycheck for a riskier endeavor, even though the ceiling is much higher fiscally, the freedom is greater and it aligns more with my purpose. But the more I realize how scared I am of taking that risk, the more I realize the direction I need to go. It confirms my hearts true desires.

And I want to live a full and meaningful life. How about you? What scary thing do you need to move towards? What risk do you need to take? What person do you need to? What decision do you already know you need to make in order to have a more full and meaningful life?

Celebrate more!

So much of our lives are taking little steps in order to reach big goals. Often times these little steps seem just as frightening as the big ones. Or they can seem just as impossible. Then, when you know you have to string together a bunch of these little steps in order to reach that larger goal, we can tend to stress or worry about these little steps that we are taking. We become afraid what the outcome may be uncertain or if we can even make happen what it is we think we need to. Can we accomplish the next thing?

Other times we are left to rely upon the decisions of others. So we hope and pray that it is a pleasurable outcome.

Our minds tend to do funny things as well when it comes to stressing or worrying about outcomes. So when we do achieve that step or we do get the pleasurable outcome, our mind quickly begins to stress about the next thing. How often does this happen to you? It’s like our mind never stops poking and prodding and trying to find what could go wrong.

But there is something powerful that can take place after each accomplishment if we can remember to celebrate each victory. Instead of allowing our minds to move onto the next thing immediately, it can be extremely productive to celebrate what has been accomplished already. These good feelings can be great motivation and help to sustain us when the road gets long as we head towards our larger goals.

One of the reasons why it is so important to take time to celebrate along the way is because it reminds us exactly why we are doing what it is we are doing. It points out that we are indeed one step closer to our larger goals. Celebrating along the way helps us to literally ‘live into’ the future like a little ceremony of anticipation for the success that we are striving for.

What is it that you are trying to accomplish? What are some of your goals? How can you choose to celebrate the smaller steps taken as a way of anticipating reaching your end result? Sometimes celebration is as simple as taking a deep breath and acknowledging that you have gotten one step closer. Other times it means calling a trusted friend and sharing your experience. What and how can you celebrate today?

Worn Out?

I read this spoken word poem a few weeks ago and commented on how much I loved it.  When my good friend, Dale Frederickson, sent me the link to the live performance, I was blown away and I knew I had to share this. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrHxbC_IBAU&w=560&h=315]

Don't react, Realign

Lately I’ve been going through some major life changes.  Some have been welcomed, and others, not so much.  Either way, the daily routine of my life has been altered and it has affected my time spent in spiritual practices.  I live by my spiritual practices.  They are my life line so to speak with the Divine.  It’s what centers me.  But lately I’ve found myself thrown from my routine. Are there ever times when you feel a little off?  Like something isn’t quite right?  Sometimes it feels like everything you do is a left a little empty.  At other times it feels as if you’re a little out of alignment and everything isn’t quite running the way it was meant to.

This happens to all of us from time to time.  A multitude of things can happen to throw us off our game or derail us a bit.  It’s not the end of the world by any means.  All we really need to do is be present with our situation.  Be mindful of the ‘what’ and the ‘why’.  And do whatever it takes to get re-centered and realigned.

However, what happens more often than not is instead of realigning, we react.  Instead of being present, mindful and connecting with the source, we react by turning to that thing that temporarily takes away the pain, or more likely, distracts us from the problem/feelings.  So we falsely validate ourselves with food, coffee, pills, booze, pornography, relationships, sleep, books, videos, video games, gambling, ________________.  I don’t think there is a distraction out there that I haven’t tried at one point or another in my life.

This can be a seemingly insignificant ritual or it can be extreme.  Anything from facebook to crack.  It’s all a false validation and distraction.  But no person is going to make you feel fulfilled.  That comes from actually living a fulfilled life.  No amount of sex is going to make you feel worthy.  No amount of time spent online will fill the actual void that you feel.  No amount of searching online will lead you to a solution for the ache you feel inside.  No amount of alcohol will align your heart and conscious with your purpose and passions.  No level of any video game will center you with the Source.

This is why we have spiritual practices like meditation, prayer, solitude, yoga, fasting, journaling, going on a retreat, chanting, sacred reading, etc.  They help us to be present.  They help us to be mindful.  They slowly pull us back to center by connecting us with The Source.  There are all kinds of arguments to be made the spiritual practices.  I won’t be making them here.  But I will say that they aren’t the end, but a means to an end.  Doorways to The Divine if you will.

So the next time things seem a little ‘off’.  Instead of reacting, realign.  Simply be aware that things are off kilter, avoid the reaction to ease the uncomfortable feeling of being ‘off’, and invest some time into spiritual practices.

Finding Perfection

When my children were little it was often difficult to get them to fall asleep. In fact it used to take 1.5-2 hours to get my oldest to fall asleep on any given night. I still remember how frustrating that would feel. I would work a full day and then spend the evening cleaning up after my children, play with them and then get them ready for bed. When it was finally time for them to go to sleep I just wanted them to nod off so I could have a couple hours to do something I liked, something that I was interested in. Now if you’re a parent you can relate to what I’m talking about. But even if you aren’t, I’m sure you can understand. I remember one night we were visiting friends at the beach and as I was holding Della and trying to get her to fall asleep, I came to the realization that I was calm and perfectly content. To be holding her and putting her to sleep was as close to perfection in life that I could recall. I wasn’t ‘just waiting’ for her to fall asleep so I could go do something else. I genuinely felt at home and at peace. It was an amazing feeling. Usually I was trying to get my children out of the way for the evening so I could do something that I would enjoy (read a book, watch a movie, play a video game, surf online, etc.). But I had found perfect peace in that moment of loving Della by showing her physical and emotional love. Some of you may be saying, ‘duh’ Brad, that’s what being a parent is all about. But this was as in the center of God’s will as I had felt since I could remember. I wasn’t making a massive gesture of world change or anything ‘enormous’ like that. I was simply holding my daughter and putting her to sleep.

I’ll be honest. In my life and in my line of work, there is a lot of talk about serving others. And while I know it’s important, up until that point, I really didn’t enjoy it. It was just a necessary part of being a spiritual counselor and leader. But after that realization with my daughter, everything changed. I realized that serving someone else and truly finding perfection in loving someone else was enough.

Most of us volunteer somewhere and give of our time because we know that to be a good thing. But do we know it to be a perfect and beautiful thing? In the moment that we are absolutely adding value to someone else’s life, what could be more perfect? Or we look at the subtle gesture that we have offered and think nothing of it. When in fact even the smallest gesture of service to another human being is of incredible importance.

May you find beauty and perfection in giving of yourself to another person, even in the tiniest of ways.

What to do with Change

There was a time in my life that I was so wrapped up in doing what was ‘required’ of me that I was rarely present with people. When I say ‘required’ I mean those things that I knew I needed to do or those ways that I knew I needed to be (or act) so that people around me would be happy with me or satisfied. My nose was pressed so far up against that routine and I was so concerned with satisfying the people in my life that I wasn’t free to actually give the gift of myself to people. It was a paradox really. On a deep level I wanted to add value to people’s lives. But instead of doing that, I would focus on making sure people weren’t unhappy or dissatisfied with me. Either at work, at home, or in the community. It just became my default mode of operation. It was selfish actually. And the result was that when I was always doing just enough for people to not be dissatisfied, I was rarely actually adding value to the lives of those I cared about most.

A large part of it had to do with my fear of change. It used to feel like so much work to me to have to change what I was already comfortable with. I like routine. Routine is consistent. Routine helps me avoid the unknown. The biggest problem I had with change is that it meant that I would have to make hard and difficult decisions and actually give more of myself as opposed to keeping everything ‘status quo’.

Here’s the brick wall we all run into though. Change is inevitable. People change. Organizations change. Governments change. People change their minds, their preferences, their wants, their needs, their perspectives, their ___________. You can try to resist change, but you’ll be left behind. Even more tragic, you will not be adding value to this world.

This world needs you. We need your heart. We need your mind. We need you to be present and to bring yourself to the table. When someone close to you is dealing with a death, illness, loneliness, depression, or anything of the sort, they don’t need your routine. They need you. The essence of you.

They need you to sit with them. They need you to listen. They need to look in someones eyes and feel connected to humanity and even the Divine. If we are so fearful of change and anything out of the routine, not only will we not be able to give the gift of ourselves, we won’t even realize that the walking wounded are all around us.

Adding value to the world by being present means that we give up feeling threatened by change. It means we operate on a whole different level of honesty. It means having difficult conversations with people when we disagree with them or when they’ve let us down. What if doing the right thing wasn’t threatened by the concern of what people thought about us? What if we were empowered to tell people things they don’t want to hear when they need to hear it because we are more concerned about being present with them than what they think of us.  It means not trying to get people to like us, but connecting with them and giving them ourselves. It means dropping the games. No spin. No misdirection or misleading. It means we stop trying to paint ourselves in a better light. It means being less about impressing or mitigating and more about connecting. It means being vulnerable even if we get shot down or lose our job, reputation, or pride.

How much better would the world be if we gave of ourselves regardless of the outcome? What kind of world we have to experience for ourselves if we made the choice to be more present and embrace the change?

Your Next Moment...

Another moment just passed.  Wait for it… there went another moment.  It’s amazing to me how that works.  What took place in that second moment was not determined by the first one.  And the next moment that will come is not necessarily determined by this exact moment, unless we let it be. Bad habits and habitual destructive behavior suck on many levels.  It’s not just that the bad habit or continued destructive behavior has negative effects on our bodies, minds, hearts and souls.  It goes beyond that.  Sometimes the worst part is how repeated destructive behaviors trigger something in us that tends to cause massive amounts of shame.

I struggle with exercising on a regular basis.  I often make unhealthy choices when it comes to eating, exercise, and restful sleep.  But what happens is as soon as I make an unhealthy choice,  let’s say something as simple as eating a donut, I almost immediately begin to feel shame for eating that donut.  But that shame doesn’t motivate me to make a healthy choice the next time.  That shame makes me feel worse about myself, if I let it, and I begin to devalue myself even more.  “I don’t deserve to have good health.”  That’s the shame tape that plays in my mind.  And if I feel like I don’t deserve to have good health because of my poor eating habits, I am even less motivated to  make a beneficial decision in the future.  Mostly because I now value myself less.  It doesn't matter what the destructive behavior is... substance abuse, relational dysfunction, self mutilation, poor eating habits, lack of exercise, self hatred, selfish behavior, ____________.  If it isn't an act of love and value for yourself and others, it is most likely a destructive act and will bring shame like an avalanche.

Shame is a disgusting and cruel enemy.  Shame will never motivate you to care for yourself.  Shame will cause you to hide and most of the time will drive you to embrace another self-destructive behavior.

But if I truly believe that I deserve to be healthy… if I truly care for myself and value myself, I have so much more motivation to choose caring acts for myself.

There is freedom.  That freedom can often be found in some simple realizations.  Here is one of those realizations and an axiom that I live by.

“No matter how many poor and self-destructive decisions I’ve made before this moment, I have the ability to make my next decision a great one.”

There it is.  No matter how many times you’ve chosen poorly, your next choice can be for good.  It is irrelevant if in the last moment you engaged your ‘stuff’ and embraced the destructive in shame… the next moment in time holds the opportunity for a choice that adds value to you and those around you.

It doesn’t matter if you chose poorly for 5 days or 5 years in a row.  That does not determine your next choice.  You determine your next choice.  YOU DO.  No power or entity determines that for you.  With this realization you can find the freedom to choose well.

So what will you do with this next undetermined moment?

'Fire' - by Raquel Doughty

There is a fire in my soul. I breathe. I live. I am chained. I am free. I believe. I lose all hope. I rise. I cry. I learn to cope. My sight is blinded. I hear nothing but my own heartbeat. I close my eyes in order to see. I get back to who I was meant to be. All of this is for one great purpose. My struggle. My race. The tear-streams engraved on my face… That is what I will think of when I succeed. I will remember all the nights aching, feeling my heart bleed.

It will be I who will fully understand, All of the ups and downs that my lessons required, The conversations that lasted for hours--- How raw I sent my prayers up So that He could send down strength, To renew my hope in love.

There is a fire in my soul For my own life, For my own journey I exist. I thrive. I waver. I try This fire does not lie. I spark it so that it will not die.

I ask, I beg, I bend on my knees That all this be not in vain That good will come out of pain…

In the moment of victory I'll remember the darkness that tried to hold me, I'll thank God that it did not keep me.

There is a fire in my soul, Reminding me that it's not over yet, It says “This isn't the end, but a mere a step.”

This is my story, no matter how many chapters involved. It's my memory of the mistakes resolved. I press on. I walk ahead. I fight my battles. I leave behind harsh words said.

I create my own triumph. Although I am tempted, I do NOT give up.

It's that fire that makes me who I am. Deep. Never-ending. Emotion-filled. A woman. A little girl.

There is a fire inside of me, I pray it never go out, That it grows higher, gains momentum, spreads around. The fire in my soul, I pray it only grows... And increases what I know….

This fire will continue in this journey called life. It's my destiny, my right. Toss fuel into the flames and keep me going strong- Keep me living long, keep me pressing on. The prize is at the finish line, I'll get there at the right time. For now, keep this fire growing, All-consuming. This fire, this fire so bright- That can and will, dispel any dark night.

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Raquel Doughty is a poet and performs spoken word.  You can contact her at ladypoet79@aim.com

Embrace the Uncomfortable

There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t allow myself to feel uncomfortable.  If I was in a particular situation I didn’t want to be in, I would lie to myself and try to convince myself that everything was ok, or I would simply come up with an excuse and bow out.  In fact when I was a child I would constantly try to get out of going to school because being at school just made me uncomfortable.  Or if there was a relationship in which I felt the other person wasn’t satisfied with me, instead of allowing myself to sit with those feelings, I would go to great lengths as soon as humanly possible to try to mend the perceived rift.  I just didn’t think I could cope with feeling uncomfortable. This was extremely dangerous for me.  Over the years I found myself doing all kinds of things that were self-destructive, just so that I wouldn’t feel things like loneliness, heart ache, dissatisfaction, anger, fear, shame, ____________, etc.  Slowly over time I began to lose all sight of who I was, what I wanted, and how I could live into my purpose.  This unwillingness to sit with any awkward feelings was one of the main reasons I ended up spending years in a downward spiral trying to hide in substance abuse and dysfunctional relationships.  Fortunately when I hit rock bottom, I had people to turn to.

After cleaning up and getting some clarity, I eventually began to realize that my addiction wasn’t to cocaine.  My addiction was to not feeling uncomfortable and going to any length in order to hide from any and all dissatisfaction.  As I’ve said before, the problem with trying to negate what some consider negative emotions is that you end up negating all emotions.  We can’t just selectively turn off part of our emotions and expect to feel the others.  So when you shut out feelings like anger, sadness, discomfort, you also shut out joy, elation, satisfaction, etc.  But there is another way.

It is the way of courage.  It is the way of hope.  It is the way of allowing yourself to fully feel any and all emotions.  Brene Brown, in ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ details the power and the benefits of allowing yourself to be fully present with all of your feelings.  This takes some practice and isn’t something that just happens over night.  It takes constant reminders and the courage when we begin to feel uncomfortable to not shut down.

One thing that helps is to ask questions.  Why does this situation always make me feel uncomfortable.  What is the precise emotion I am feeling that makes me want to run or hide?  Why do I think that person is unhappy with me?  Are they really?  Does it really matter?  Sitting with these questions will yield answers.  These answers won’t come from the external world… they will come from deep within you.

The more comfortable you can grow so that you can sit with the uncomfortable in your life, the better quality of life you will have.  Things won’t sneak up on you as much.  You’ll recognize what triggers you and sends you for a loop before it actually locks you into the roller coaster and launches onto the tracks.

So what does trigger you?  What emotions do you avoid?  How often do you lie to yourself and say ‘nothings really wrong’? Once you’ve sat with those negative feelings long enough, they lose the power over you that they once had.  You’ll find yourself able to make clear decisions based on who you are and what you want, as opposed to making decisions based on how to avoid feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

So sit with it.  Sit with it all.  What once felt impossible to deal with will seem like a very little problem indeed.

Turning to People you Trust

I’m about to tell you something that you already know and may already practice.  It is going to be the simplest advice I’ve ever given.  But I’m going to share it anyways.  You can never over estimate the power of reaching out to a friend.  Reach out now to someone you trust.  No matter where you are in life today or what you are up against, reaching out to a friend will add incredible value to your life. Not just anyone mind you.  Someone you trust.  Someone that you’re pretty certain will embrace you regardless of the situation you’re in.  Reach out to that friend that you know isn’t full of trite quotes and pithy clichés.  The one that usually makes your day feel lighter after you’ve talked to them.

You might say, Brad, I don’t really reach out to friends.  I don’t really need them that much and I don’t feel comfortable sharing or being vulnerable.  If that’s the case then it really must suck to be you.  How’s that working for you by the way?

You might say, Brad, I don’t connect with people as easily as you do.  Well, that might be true.  But that doesn’t mean that you won’t benefit greatly in the next 5 minutes by reaching out to a friend on the phone, sharing a bit of your heart, and feeling a bit more connected to humanity.  I’ve said it before.  If you can feel a bit more connected to humanity, you can feel a bit more connected to the Divine.  Or whatever it is that you particularly put your trust in for resource and Love

It’s not a secret that when we are accepted and loved by others we tend to feel more gracious with ourselves, with others, and more alive in general.  There is this beautiful thing that happens when we are our authentic selves and we connect with a loved one.  I only have crude letters and words, placed together to form sentences in an attempt to describe this beauty.  But it’s that  overwhelming sense that there is more to life than just our narrow perspective and view.  It’s the recognition of how valuable and precious it is to not be alone and to have the ability to share this journey with others.

You'll Never Be Ready

If you wait until you’re ready, you will never make it to where you want to go.  Or at the very least you will look back and realize that you could have made it there a whole lot quicker. If you wait until you’re qualified, you will be starting too late.  But what is highly more likely is that you are already qualified for those things that you’re putting off participating in.

If you wait until you’re experienced enough, you will never have that experience that you believe you need.

If you think you need one more art class before you start trying to sell your paintings, then there will always be one more art class.

If you think you need more self-confidence before you start speaking out more in your environment, then you will forever be silent.

If you believe that you need a couple more weeks of training before you enter yourself in that extreme obstacle race, then you will be sipping beer on the sidelines while your friends get muddy, bloody, winded… and still have the time of their lives.

If you think you need one more relationship seminar before you commit to the person in your life, then you will become friends with loneliness.

If you’re waiting for someone else to run through that wall before you move in that direction, then you will always be staring at walls.  Or you will not have the satisfaction of knowing that you broke a barrier that others weren’t willing to break.

I’m not saying that you should wake up and run a marathon tomorrow without having done any training, although I know a young man who did that and is still alive today.  But he was a freak of nature.  What I am saying is that now is a really good time to move forward, beyond what you think you can do, to reach those goals that you have set for yourself.

If you know where you’re headed, and you have an idea of what your purpose is, then don’t sell yourself short.  Don’t listen to the lies that creep into your ears and paralyze your heart.  Because you are good enough.  You are smart enough.  You are creative enough.  You do have enough confidence.  You will fail.  You will get right back at it though.

The only thing that is going to stop you is waiting until you’re ready.  We are never really ready for the great things in life.  But its funny how they are always there when we start moving in their direction and taking larger steps than we thought we were ready for.

I have found that if you wait until you are ready to make ‘that’ move, it is usually too late and the opportunity has passed you by.  So go meet the opportunity.

When Work Overwhelms

I don’t know what your profession is.  You might be a sales person, engineer, talk show host, musician, plumber, clergy, artist, etc. (I didn’t want to miss anyone, hence the etc.).  I don’t know if you love your job, hate it, are ambivalent towards it or if it sucks the ever-loving life out of you.  I don’t know if your job is mostly about brains, muscle, or a mixture of both. I don’t know if you have a boss or own your own business.  Or if you do have a boss if you can’t stand working for that person or if you are way too comfortable with that person.

Regardless of your job, I am certain there are days where you just don’t have the resources, mentally or physically to accomplish what you need to accomplish.   This is where having an open heart can make all the difference in your world.  If your reaction to trouble at work is to close down, avoid confrontation, complain out the whazoo, or day dream about being somewhere else, then your heart is closed.  And I believe the problem with a closed heart is that nothing can enter it and nothing can leave it.  It’s like a double whammy.

I remember being stuck in a job that I couldn’t leave simply because of the need to provide for my family, yet it was a terrible fit.  I was in sales.  I am not a sales person.  On top of that, I wasn’t necessarily thrilled about the product I was selling.  I literally would walk into meetings with clients already depressed because I had to give them a sales ‘pitch’ for a product I didn’t like and didn’t really believe in.  I can’t tell you how bad I wanted to move on from that particular position and company.  It was depressing.  I rarely felt like I had the resources internally to accomplish what I needed to throughout the work day.

Back to the double whammy.  With a closed heart, not only are you trapping all of the frustration, anger, disappointment, and fear within you… but you are also making it impossible for the Source, the Divine (or whatever name you use), to flow into you and provide for you.  There was a time when I lived everyday of my life with a closed heart.  I was always dreaming of another job, angry with the position I was in, feeling less than adequate, and totally ungrateful.

So how do you have an open heart?  First, believe that whatever you subscribe to as far as a higher power actually cares for you and wants to provide for you.  That alone can make all the difference in your day if you face every obstacle knowing that you have access to the resources needed to overcome.  Secondly, relax and be grateful.  Be grateful that you are alive and have the faculties to be hired to actually work.  There are so many who don’t have a job in these difficult economic times.

Finally, proceed on with your day expecting to be resourced beyond your limits.  I realize I’m telling you something you already know.  But sometimes, we need reminders.

Winning approval does Not make you a Winner

Last Thursday was part 1 of following your intuition, today is part 2. Just because someone agrees with my opinions and thoughts does not mean that I am anymore connected to them, to humanity, or to the Source.  Just because someone lets me know that they think I’m ‘right’ does not mean that they have shared love with me, or I with them.  It also doesn’t mean that I’m right, by the way.

And the opposite is true.  Just because someone disagrees with me does not mean that they hate me or that we are anymore disconnected then we were a moment before.  It also doesn’t mean that I’m wrong in my opinion or thought process.  Just because someone thinks I’m wrong doesn’t mean that we cannot love each other and be connected on a deep level.

Abraham Maslow said “be independent of the good opinion of others.”  Dr. Wayne Dyer drives this point home by saying that “you can’t get anywhere by simply doing what other people say or listening blindly to what your tribe tells you to do.”

I’ll go a step further and say that you have to own who you are, what you believe, and what you want for yourself.

Trying to please everybody means pleasing no one, especially yourself. In fact if you were trying to please everybody around you one thing I will guarantee is that you will never ever, ever, ever be happy (3 evers, that’s making a point).

I'll also guarantee you that you'll never truly know who you are what your purpose is.  If you are always trying to please others you will never know where you belong.  Because if you spend all of your time trying to make other people like you, trying to make other people happy or trying not to disappoint anyone, you will have spent no time figuring out what you like, what you want to do, and who you want to be.   It's not sustainable.

In an effort to please everyone you will add no value to this world. But if you take the time and you do the work to figure out who you are, what you want and what your purpose is, then you can add extreme value to this world.

You don’t have to please people to truly love them.  You don’t have to make people happy in order to act out of love towards them.  You don’t have to have people like you in order to add value to their lives.  But if love is the aim then you will have done your part to connect them and you to humanity.  Now that is adding value.

How can you love those who disagree with you?  Maybe its by engaging them, or maybe its by completely ignoring the way they so negatively announce that they disagree with you.  How can you love those with whom you can seemingly do no wrong?  How can actively love the people around you and free yourself from the chains of approval or disapproval?

You Know What to Do

What do you think I should do?  What would you do?  Please tell me what to do.  How many times have asked these things to someone we trust?  How often have we gone to a friend or to a family member, told them our story and then asked them for direction?  The answer is probably countless.  And there is nothing wrong with doing this.  Getting advice is always a wise decision along the path to discernment.  The funny thing is, we often times seek advice and ask people to tell us what to do with our lives, all the while deep down we already know the answer. I believe one of the reasons why we surrender our decision making process to other people is because we usually know that the path our intuition points us towards is almost always a difficult one.  It’s either difficult because we know there is something that we will have to sacrifice or there is a price to be paid.

But I don’t want to get lost in the sacrifice or price today.  The point today is that most of the time our heart knows what to do in difficult situations.  Let me break this down a bit.

MOST - Now I say most, because there are occasional times and conditions where we truly are in the dark with no idea where to turn.  During these rare instances where we are completely in the dark and don’t what to do, it is extremely beneficial to turn to others for their guidance and direction.  But I’ve discovered that we usually ask for input not because we are at a loss, but because we want to be reassured of the action that we already know needs to be taken.  We just don’t trust ourselves.

HEART – When I use the term ‘heart’, I’m speaking of that centered place within us that is the core of who we are.  It’s that place that is moved by the melodic beauty of a wonderful craftsmanship of lyrics and vibrations.  It’s that place in us that we can’t hold or see and scientists can’t point to and say… “there!  That is the conscience self”.  But when overwhelmed with stimuli and decisions, the heart shouting and pointing the direction.  Often we are so busy hiding from our true selves that we barely hear it as a whisper on the luckiest of days.

I think 99% of the time we know the best way forward.  I just think we’ve become so disconnected from ourselves that we either can’t hear it or we don’t trust what we hear.  So we ask 3-10 people what they think we should do.

The remarkable thing to me is that we DO have an inclination as to how we should move forward.  We can trust ourselves.  What other person would know better for you?  But when we move forward, following our own advice, we are then ultimately responsible for the outcome.  If we fail while taking the advice of someone else, we can, with a sideways glance, put some of the blame on them.  But life is not a blame game.  No one lived a full life by making decisions with the caveat that they needed an out.

Listen to your heart.  Then, take bold steps forward.  You might fail.  You might succeed.  But either way, you will have made a decision by being in tune with who you are and affirming that connection with yourself.  Trust me, you’re worth it.

The Myth of the Loner - Guest post on Mike Mchargue's site

Mike McHargue has been gracious enough and crazy enough to allow me to guest post on his site. Find 'The Myth of the Loner' here.

'Us' and 'Them'

written by Mike McHargue Have you ever heard the story of Jonah? He's a prophet in the first part of the Bible, and God told him to go talk to people in a city called Nineveh. He didn't want to go, so he got on a boat and sailed the other direction. The story tells us a storm came, and Jonah ended up in the belly of a fish for three days. This experience convinces Jonah to follow God's directions, and he's freed from the fish's stomach.

Jonah walks into Nineveh and announces the city will be destroyed by God in 40 days. The story takes an amazing turn here because the people of Ninevah accept this prophecy. They go into mourning, and they change their ways. God responds by holding back his judgement.

I was talking to some friends a couple of weeks ago about this story. My friend Cathi was talking about how that story changed for her over time. As a kid, she was captivated by the idea of Jonah sitting in the belly of a fish for three days. As she grew, the story became less about a fish and more about listening to God and following his directions. I had a similar growth in understanding about the story of Jonah. Unlike me, Cathi's understanding of this story grew deeper.

Jonah's story is also about prejudice. Jonah gets angry after God spares Nineveh. In fact, Jonah tells God that he's so angry he could die. In his anger, Jonah explains that he didn't want to go to Nineveh because he knew God would redeem the people there.

Jonah hated Nineveh. He didn't want them to be saved.

There is this idea of in-group bias In neuropsychology. Humans are hard-wired to identify their tribe. Incredible favoritism sets once that tribe is identified. The in-group has a flip side: for there to be an in-group, there must be an out-group. We see this manifest itself in a lot of ways, but the most recognizable example in modern society is racism. In people who were not exposed to racial diversity as a child, the brain responds differently to people of different races. It's quick, and we certainly have the power to overcome that reaction.

God teaches Jonah that this group of people Jonah despises are loved by God. Jonah's natural, completely human reaction is, "us versus them." Jonah's "them" was the people of Ninevah. Jonah didn't want his "them" to be redeemed. He didn't want "them" to be near to God like he was.

Who's your them?

Who is the people group you can't accept, and that you deem unworthy of God's grace and mercy?

Is it black people? Asian people? White people?

Republicans? Democrats? Both?

Lesbians? Gays? Homophobes?

Atheists? Evangelicals? Muslims?

Hypocrites? Felons? Child Molesters?

Gun nuts? Gun control advocates?

Maybe your them is the guy who cut you off in traffic this morning, or your boss, or someone who hurt you very deeply.

Is there a person or people in your life that make you angry when they come to mind? Someone who you deem unworthy of God's love?

Jonah's story ends with God saying, "You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?"

Who's your "them"? It may be on you to tell them of God's love.

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Mike McHargue is a writer, technologist, and CTO of the Zimmerman Agency.

Mike explores "how science, technology and faith work together to smash conventional wisdom."

Find him at mikemchargue.com, twitter @mikemchargue, facebook

Stop comparing, Start Loving

A couple of months ago I mentioned a trip to Laguna Beach with several forward thinking, open hearted, inspirational people.  50 of them to be exact.  It was such an incredible time and space for connecting with humanity, conversing about social and theological dynamics, and exploring futurist topics and trends. The people that showed up there were highly intellectual and creatively charged folks.  Or as we say in Boston, “these peeps are wicked smaht”.  I remember spending most of my time dealing with a running inner dialogue.  That guy is so much smarter than me.  That girl is so much more creative than me.  He writes so much better than I do.  She is such a better orator than I am.  I’m not as wealthy as that guy.  She is such a better organizational person than I am.  He is so much more deep than me.  And on and on.  My inner dialogue quickly lead me to one conclusion… “I don’t belong with these people.”  Fortunately the love I felt from them destroyed that conclusion.

You know this inner dialogue don’t you?  I wish I was as good looking as that guy.  I wish my body was as toned and petite as hers.  I wish my bank account looked like theirs.  I could never be as smart as them.  I wasn’t blessed with his charm.  This inner dialogue is one of the most ungrateful and limiting dialogues you can participate in.  These kind of negative, limiting beliefs can send us into a holding pattern for months, years, even decades.  If we don’t process our way out of it, we will literally never grow past it.

But during one of our sessions, our leader made a profound statement.  He said… “Who you aren’t, isn’t interesting”.  No one is interested in hearing about who I am not.  So why would I be interested in it?  I decided right then that of critical importance to my growth was to stop listening to this inner dialogue.  How did I do that?  It’s taken some time.  I’ve read many books.  I’ve noticed right away when that dialogue starts and try to identify the triggers that cause it.  Then I stop listening.  But one more thing has worked extremely well for me.  I’d like to share that with you.

I’ve stayed in contact with those remarkable people and I just spent the last few days in Denver with them.  We’ve conversed together, eaten together, laughed together,  opened our hearts to each other, listened to each other, cried together, and had our minds blown apart by some pretty heavy conversations and ideas.  We’ve welcomed some new people into our family and we’ve loved together.  And not one time did I even hear the beginning of that inner dialogue.  Not one time did I begin to think that I wasn’t smart enough, creative enough, interesting enough,  __________ enough, or that I didn't belong.

Do you know why? First, many months ago I decided that I wanted to rid myself of that inner dialogue and limiting beliefs and I sought out how to do that.  Secondly, and more powerfully, I was too busy loving with these people.  I literally shared and received so much love over the last few days that I had no room for comparing myself to them.  Or comparing myself with anyone for that matter.  The love came in all forms.  Particularly being transferred through all the ways I spoke of in the previous paragraph.

I am convinced that love is saving the world and will continue to.  That’s a whole other post.  But for now I am glad to say that love has saved me.  Love for myself to decide to make changes, Love for the people that I spent my time with, and Love from those people who aren’t looking to get anything out of me.  They just are loving people.  I type these words with tears in my eyes because of the great depths that love has moved me.

Are you constantly comparing yourself to others?  Are you way to interested in who you aren’t?  When was the last time you stopped and were grateful for who you are?  You are a wonderful, unique, inspirational person.  You are filled with so much of the Divine that you can change the world.  You can Love.  Get loving.